April 6th 1999 is my Birthday

April 6th 1999

April 6th 1999, is it a liberation day or a curse day or is it a dream or a nightmare or my Birthday? I really don't know, all I can say that I cant take a pick of any of the options above. Years of struggle, years of heart ache, years of waiting, years of shear pain, years of sleepless nights. It was very hard to be in that position for all those years. Heart breaks, lonely nights, constant hiding, constant urges, paranoia.. its kinda scary feeling to go thru and you are always on your guard. You are paranoid to such an extent that you suspect people that they know about you. A friendly touch can be misunderstood or evoke a different response from you.

It all started in the second week of March 99. I called Berkshire Stonewall coalition's help line. I was so nervous that day, I made up some phony excuse at work and headed for home early. The top floor apt which I shared with my room-mate was very calm and quiet that day. My heart was pounding like its going to burst any time or I am going to get a heart attack or something like that, my legs grew week, my hands were shaking, I was drenched with sweat. If someone had seen me in that situation, they would have called 911. Those days I
smoked. I remember smoking few cigarettes in a few mins to calm me down. The nicotine rush indeed helped me to calm my nerves a bit. I did make that fateful call. I was surprised to hear the booming manly voice of Dick Lopez. It was very soothing and reassuring that you can trust him and talk to him about anything without worrying about being judged or being ridiculed. He asked me how he can help me. The years of waiting did come to an end at that moment. That very moment was the biggest of my life time. Was it a rebirth? Yes it was. I vaguely remember mumbling something and boy was I nervous? Yes I was... I remember talking too fast and those days I had a very thick Indian accent. Dick stopped me when he didn't follow me and politely asked me to repeat something he didn't understand. We talked for more than an hour. It was talking like a floodgate just opened and thoughts, questions, worries everything poured from every pore of my body. I never felt that I could trust someone so much at that moment. I didn't have any inhibitions whatsoever and I poured my heart out. Dick is a good listener and he did a fabulous job of listening to me. I am sure I wasn't the first person to call the number and ask for help but I bet he was surprised to hear a Indian voice on the other side. In Berkshires I don't think there were many Indians and let alone a queer one. I felt very light after talking to him. He reassured me again and again and its ok to talk to him about anything. He wasn't rushing at all, he was very patient and made me feel like he was my best friend all my life. At the end, he gave me two options, one to attend a coming out meeting on Apr 6th 1999 and to attend a potluck on Apr 7th. Little did know that time both these days are life altering days and I will be meeting some wonderful people on those days.

I thanked him god knows for how long or how many times, but I was very happy and elated. I hanged up on him and went to the living room window and stared at the blue sky for a long time. I opened the window and let the cold air rush into my apartment. I felt so fresh and so relieved as if like a big burden unloaded from my heart. I felt light, rejuvenated, relieved, happy, cheerful and peaceful. After sometime, I went down and got into my car and drove north on Rt 7. Its one of the beautiful and scenic routes in Berkshires and it takes you to Bennington county in Vermont. I don't recall how far I went, but I do remember stopping by a gas station in Vermont and filling up the gas and getting some cigarettes. All along I was plotting my next move and looking forward for the coming out group next month. Even though it was few weeks away, I was very anxious to get it over with. Came back home and cooked a fabulous Indian meal. My room-mate was asking me why I am so happy and quizzing me for more info. I wasn't giving out any details, any ways.

The weeks passed by very fast. Finally the day arrived. The coming out group was at a women center on First Street in pittsfield. I think I went thru the panic attack phase again that afternoon at work. I excused myself from work early and went straight home to just calm my nerves down and not being seen by any. I was so nervous and wasn't in a mood to answer 100's of questions from my colleagues. Especially the Indian ones, we Indians definitely don't have any boundaries when it comes to our personal space. I was expecting to see a group of people in the coming out group, perhaps some around my age group? I could easily relate to?. I was bit late to the meeting, I guess I judged the traffic wrong that day. I was late by 5 mins to the meeting. When I entered the room, there were 4 people already in the room. That included two facilitators Mike Connor and Emily. Two other gentlemen were participating in the program. One was in early 60s and the other one late 40s or early 50s. I did find myself awkward there. I did feel fish out of water for sometime and I was the youngest person in the room in my early 20s. It was hard not to relate to anyone in the room, but I was there for a purpose and I let that instinct drive the rest of my stay with the group.

The coming-out group was very structured and it was very well facilities by both Mike and Emily. First time ever I had to reveal myself to real people, in realtime. A plot for a reality show? It was a weird feeling. I didn't feel comfortable looking making eye contact with any of the participants, so I deviced this idea of looking at a window and talking when my chance came. It helped me not to get nervous. Few hours of talking and listening did help me to feel more relaxed and feel more part of a community, feel real. At that moment, it made sense for most of the things I ve gone thru, the things I thought over the years, the fears, the panic, the paranoia, the self loathing, etc etc.. It made sense, I am not alone, I have an identity, I not a weirdo. I am not burning in eternal sin. Its a new beginning, new chapter in my life. No look backs and no regrets. I was born again as a new person. One thing really stood-out was that almost everyone never had talked to a Indian before. So its a unique experience for all of us.

Mike Connor turned out to be a good friend. I met Dick, his partner Joe, Bernie, Joey, Dale and host of others the next day at the potluck. Met Dick for real the next day at the potluck and thanked him as sincerely as I could and because of him, I think I got the confidence to take the next step and be who I am. Not everyone in the community were friendly, warm and approachable, but there were few gems and they are still part of my life, except Bernie who passed away in 2003. Bernie and Joey played a huge role in the following months and few years. They took me under their wings (I called Bernie Mother) and showed me the ropes. It really helped me to feel grounded and feel safe. This experience gave the much needed structure in my life at that moment. Needless to say, thru Bernie, I met my first BF and partner Dan.

Coming out is a process and it started the day I called Dick in the fateful March day, but officially Apr 6th was the day when I talked to someone for real, face to face and yelled at the top of my voice, that I am gay. I felt happy about it and didn't feel scared or ashamed. New beginnings and a new life and its so far so good... Life goes on..