Today Aug 10th 2008 and the day is almost over. Just got back from a nice outdoor cookout party and suddenly the sky opened up. The heavy rains, cloudy and gloomy day kind off reflected my mindset. Normally Aug 10th comes and goes and most of the time I wont remember it. I always get lost in the fast phased life here in the USA. You are far removed from your family and culture and its a big disconnect. No one is there to remind me about this fateful day. I would say its a blessing and I wont regret it.
Last night I was talking to my mom and then my Aunt when she reminded me that they are observing the 12th Anniversary of my Dad's passing away. For a few seconds I was silent and the whole life flashed before me. Its not easy, but the pain, the panic, the stress, the confusion, the numbness and a whole lot of feelings that you cannot put name to it returned for those brief moments. At that moment it felt like I was back in Durgapur and going thru those feelings again.
I have to be very honest about my feelings. Yes I was very sad and distraught, but slowly the loss became a relief. I know many of you may think, what a rotten thing to say? I am being very honest. My feeling about the loss even today has not changed a bit. There are two different things, loving someone and getting loved back. I sincerely loved my dad and I don't think it was acknowledged. He was lost in his own world of Alcohol, it consumed a able, handsome man. It robbed off a family of its happiness, peace and respect.
You know I believe that, everyone should give respect and get respect. I always believed in that and I will continue to do so. Just because someone is related by blood doesn't mean that we have to love them 100% no matter what they do and how they treat you. I don't think my Dad believed in it or Its just that alcohol took over this consciousness and he didn't think right.
Its utmost important for a Father to be a father and teach his kids right from wrong. Be a positive role model and love them the way they should be. Provide for them, guide them in obtaining good education, guide them to be a good human being. Just because someone contribute 50% of your genes doesn't mean that their responsibility is over. Either you can be a good father or you are not. Its a binary, yes or no. There is no in between stage.
I am robbed of a childhood because of my Dad and I am exposed to a lot which I am not supposed to be. Who should I blame now? Blame game doesn't help, either it make things worse. The years have passed and the wound is still raw and its very painful. Every time I see a dotting father on the streets or in a social settings, my life flashes before my eyes in a second. It reiterates what I have missed and I will never get to feel the love, warmth and caring side of a father. On the positive side this whole thing has helped to mould my life to be a better person. To be someone who cares for others, to be someone who is genuine and loves his Friends and family. Someone who is sensitive and someone who is different.
I have so many unfinished business with my Dad. I cant talk to him or ask him some difficult questions. One thing I can do is look deep inside me and find a way to forgive him. I will try to make peace with it somehow. Perhaps next year, I will remember this day and it will be a better one. May be the next year, I will have the courage to forgive him and move forward. Till then, I will be optimistic.
