Dear diary

Why homosexuals exist? (English translation of a Tamil article)

2011-03-02T18:53:00.000-08:00

http://www.dinakaran.com/healthnew/healthinnerdetail.aspx?id=407&id1=9

English Transaltion of dinakaran article.

We earlier discussed about Homosexuality and how it was viewed as a crime. Now let us discuss how Homosexuality is viewed in India.

கிழக்கிந்திய கம்பெனி என்ற வர்த்தகப் போர்வையில் ஆங்கிலேயர்கள் இங்கு வந்து அடிமைப்படுத்துவதற்கு முன்பு வரை, ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையை ஆட்சேபனைக்குரிய உறவாகவோ, பாவகரமான குற்றமாகவோ இந்தியாவில் யாரும் பார்க்கவில்லை.

Before the arrival of British in the cover of East India company and colonized India, Homosexuality was never considered as a objectionable relationship or a crime in India.

பழங்கால நூல்களில் ஓரினச் சேர்க்கை பற்றி நிறைய சொல்லப்பட்டிருக்கிறது. இதனை மனுதர்ம சாஸ்திரத்தில் கூட தண்டிக்கப்பட வேண்டிய இழிவான செயலாக சொல்லவில்லை.
ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையில் ஈடுபட்டவர்கள் குளித்து விட்டால் போதும் என்றுதான் சொல்லப்பட்டிருக்கிறது.

In ancient texts from Indian diaspora, homosexuality was discussed and mentioned at lengths. Even in Manu Dharma it was never mentioned as a crime or objectionable relationship. It says if you have been part of a homosexual relationship, if you take a bath to cleanse yourself, you will be cleared of any stigma.

என்றாலும், வாத்ஸாயனர் காலத்தில் கூறப்பட்டுள்ள திருமணங்களில் காந்தர்வ திருமணம் குறித்தும் சொல்லப்பட்டுள்ளது. காந்தர்வ திருமணம் என்றால் காதல் திருமணம் என்று பொருள்.
அதன்படி ஆணும், பெண்ணும் காதலித்து திருமணம் செய்து கொள்வதுபோல், ஆணும், ஆணுமோ அல்லது பெண்ணும், பெண்ணுமோ திருமணம் செய்து கொள்ளலாம் என்று கூறப்பட்டுள்ளது.

During the times of Vatsayana it was mentioned that Men and women can enter into love marriage and Man and Man or Woman and Woman can enter into marriage because of love. It was called Kandharva marriage.

ஆங்கிலேயர்கள் ஆட்சிக் காலத்தில்தான் ஓரினச் சேர்க்கை மிகப்பெரிய பிரச்சினையாக்கப்பட்டது.

During the British rule, Homosexuality was demonized and was considered as a crime.

சரி, ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையில் ஈடுபடுவோருக்கு எப்படி அந்தத் தூண்டுதல் ஏற்படுகிறது? என்றால், பல மருத்துவ கருத்துகள் நிலவுகின்றன.

There are so many opinions as of how someone is attracted to the same gender?

மரபணுக் கோளாறினால் ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையில் ஈடுபடுவதாகத் தெரிவிக்கப்பட்டாலும், அதனை மருத்துவ உலகம் ஏற்றுக் கொள்ளவில்லை.

Medical world has rejected the idea that Homosexuality exist due to genetics.

கர்ப்பத்தின் போது தாயின் ஹார்மோன் கோளாறினால் குழந்தைக்கு ஓரினச் சேர்க்கை விருப்பம் வருகிறது என்று கூறப்பட்டது. ஆனால் குழந்தையின் ஹார்மோனை பரிசோதித்த போது, அதற்கான எந்த நிரூபணமும் இல்லை என்று மறுத்து விட்டது.

The idea of , A child becomes a homosexual to to hormonal imbalance in mothers womb was also rejected by the medical community because of there is no proof of this concept.

குழந்தைப் பருவத்தின் போது நெருக்கடியான சூழலில் வளர்வதால், மனப் பாதிப்பின் காரணமாக ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையில் நாட்டம் ஏற்படுவதாக சொல்லப்படுகிறது. ஆனால் இதனையும் ஆய்வு செய்த மருத்துவ உலகினர் மறுத்துள்ளனர்.

There is another theory that kids growing in a very difficult or traumatic child hood may become a homosexual. Even this idea was rejected by researchers in the grounds of lack supporting data

வேறு தகவலின்படி, குழுவாக இருக்கும் பெரும்பாலானோருக்கு ஓரினச் சேர்க்கை ஈடுபாடு இருந்தால், அவர்களுடன் இருப்பவர்களுக்கும் அந்த ஈடுபாடு உருவாகும் என்று ஒரு கருத்து நிலவுகிறது.
இவையெல்லாமே யூகத்தின் அடிப்படையிலும், கற்பனையின் அடிப்படையிலுமே கூறப்படுபவை என்று மருத்துவத் துறையினர் நிரூபித்து விட்டனர்.
எனவே பிறவியிலேயே ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையாளர்கள் அதில் விருப்பம் கொண்டிருக்கிறார்கள் என்பதே உண்மை.
பல நேரங்களில் ஓரினச் சேர்க்கையாளர்கள் ஏன் அதுமாதிரி நடந்து கொள்கிறார்கள் என்பது அவர்களுக்கே புரியாத புதிராக உள்ளது.

There is another theory that homosexual behavior persists in a group environment. Others may experiment homosexuality in that environment. Researchers and doctors say that all these ideas and theories exist because of wild guess and pure imagination.   It proves that homosexuals are born this way and this is the fact.

Even homosexuals dont know why they are attracted to their same gender. They feel puzzled and they dont know why? They feel it is natural for them.

Denver National Queer Asian Leadershihp conference

2008-09-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Denver conference 9/5/2008 - 9/7/2008

I flew into Denver with a whole lot of open mind for the NQAPIA conference. National Queer Asian Leadership conference doesn't happen that often and I was very happy to represent QAPA (Queer Asian Pacific Alliance the oldest queer Asian organization in USA. Was founded in 1979 and its almost 30 years and we are going strong). The long flight from Boston or getting outted in the airport because I was dragging big carry on that someone makes me gay? I never heard that before but it did really happen :). You guys should ask Anouksha or Deepali who I met at the Airport and we headed to the hotel together.

My buddy Kit Yan from QAPA was there, you all know about him the famous slam poet and part of "Good Asian drivers". I learnt a lot from Kit in the past few years I knew him, he opened a lot of doors for me and made me understand the plight and fights of the Trans and Trans Asian community. Amit Dixit from Boston MASALA was representing his organization and I alwasy appreciate his energy whether its Queer South Asian related activism or HIV Aids related fights.

This is a pan asian conference including Asians from the Main land, South East Asians, South Asians and the Pacific Islanders. This is another unique thing about the conference. Historically Asians and South Asian communities have their own organizations and there are few points or intersections but they survive and behave like two different communities.

The day we landed we had a reception and we met the local dignitaries. We met Gill Foundation executive director, his staff and local dignitaries. Not only it was an eye opener, it was heartening to see Queer and non queer local community leaders there to support the conference and the cause. Let me ask you this, how often do you hear about the National Asian Queer leadership conference or the Queer Leadership itself. Hats off to Glen, Ben, Mala, Andy and Gill foundation to make this happen. They worked so hard to make this happen and I am so proud of their achievement and leadership. This inspires me to do more for the community and the cause. Its not an empty promise and I am not known for that, If I commit, I am 200% or I am not there.

Members from the following organizations were represented there. National Gay and Lesbian Task Force, GLAAD, QAPA, MASALA, Anushka Fernandopulle Consulting, NQAPIA, National Asian/Pacific American Womens's Forum, Trikone Atlanta, Asian American Queer Women Activists, Asian Pacific Islander Queer Sisters, Gay Asian Pacific Support Network, API Queer United for Action, UC Santa Barbara, SALGA NYC, I2I:Invisible to Invincible, GAPIMNY, Shades of Yello, Providence Youth Student Movement, API Pride of Chicago, Astrea Lesbian Foundation for Justice, Grassroots Institute for Fundraising Training, Q-Wave, Queer Philly Asians, Trikone (SF), Satrang, South Bay Queer & Asian, API Equality-LA, AQUA, KHUSHDC, API EQUALITY, Audre Lorde Project, Dari Project, AL-Fatiha Foundation, Trikone-Norhtwest.

Day 2 was full of workshops, discussions and was a hectic day, followed by a nice dinner offsite. Some of the participants went for a club night and I was so tired and I didn't feel like burning my midnight oil that weekend. The Austin trip few days later was in my mind and I didn't want to exhaust myself and also I am feeling like a old man at 35. What the heck?

Day 3 was a half a day one and it everyone went back to their homes. It was hard to say goodbye, but its the fact and reality.

40 plus Asian queer leaders from different organizations and different walks of life were there. It was a unexplainable feeling of a big family and comfort that we are not alone in this fight. I looked around the room we had East Asians, South Asians, Pacific Islanders, South East Asians in the room. We were all connected by one mission and one cause. How often does this happen? its not that often and its the reality. Most of the representation was from East and West coasts, one from Georgia, Minnesota, Missouri each. This showed that we need to get those people energized and organized in those underrepresented states. Yes there are Queer Asians in those states but we have to find a way to help them get organized and be visible.

I don't question the existence of "Long Yang" theme clubs across the nation, but I don't think these clubs are serving the Queer Asian movement. These group in general reinforces the concept of Older White men and the younger Asian men. This is a stereotype as a Asian gay man, me and many of my peers are asked or forced to fit in. But many are resilient and wont settle for such arrangements and its wont work. Personally I don't like to be exotified and looked upon as a exotic piece of meat vs a good productive human being who is civic minded and works for the community. I have a lot to offer and unless I get a chance I wont be able to show that side of me. As a minority we are expected to be a stereotype played by media and the community or exotified by the majority community. This is counter productive and doesn't help us to assimilate it to the majority and treated as equals. Whether you have lived here all your life or you were adopted and raised by a parents from different race or you just got off the plane doesn't matter, we are still Asians and we have to embrace that aspect of it and make changes that is necessary within the community.

There are many of the Asian queer organizations in this nation. We do a great job locally and take care of the local needs as much as possible. As local community organizations mostly we are volunteer based organizations. We pick our fight on various grounds and its very difficult path I say. We have limited resources at our disposal and very limited manpower to go with that. We always think about the local needs and we seldom work with other organizations within our local confines or nationally. Even if we say we do work with other organizations, its unstructured and very minimal. We reinvent the wheel so many times and its mind boggling. We all work as separate islands and we ought to get united, get organized and interface with the other groups and make the movement stronger and share our triumphs and failures.

This is a rare opportunity for us to get united nationally and do things from a national view point. Who we are locally shouldn't influence working nationally. I think someone from Boston, NYC, SF, Chicago, Austin, Kansas are equally effective in this fight. We may have history behind us, but we have to think that we are one community and work towards achieving the feeling of a one big family and do what we are supposed to do. There is a lot to be accomplished nationally and we have a huge advantage of helping the GLBT community back in our home countries. They need us and if we can build a stronger foundation we can weather storms like Ike, Katrina and ones that may come tomorrow or the day after.

We can withstand the onslaught of White privilege, racial inequality, gender bias, right wing and many more that comes our way. If we stay united we can take the bull by its horn, otherwise we end up facing the Bull shit. I will let you choose what you like the Bull or the Bull shit?

Mission accomplished, but Where do I go next?

2008-09-01T18:15:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning (09/01/2008) around 8:30 or so.. Its Labor day weekend and it’s my day off. First time this weekend I got some sleep and I slept well all night. These past few days I slept like 1 or 2 hours a night. I don’t know what to blame. Coffee? Stress from presenting my work at the NETIP (Network of Indian professional) annual national conference or, talking in the conference. Perhaps it’s because I am the first gay Indian to participate in the conference and talk myself and present my work. Its not easy to go and discuss your sexuality in a open forum before a room full of complete strangers. Not knowing what they think, what struggles they are going thru and how they feel, its always a nerve wrecking experience, but I keep my cool as always and put on my brave face and a big smile. Now the mission is accomplished and here I am exhausted from the screening and being part of a panel discussing Identities of South Asians here in USA, I can take it easy recharge and reflect on what went right, what went wrong and how can I do a better job the next time. One more stop towards achieving equality for the GLBT community and one more inch closer to integrate Straight and GLBT community.

The enormity and importance of this conference stuck me so hard this morning and I have to admit that it made me bit emotional.(I swear I didn’t cry, a tad emotional). I just lay there in the bed and said to myself, Wow Sarav, you did a good job and you did it. One more barrier broken down, one more wall came down, you touched many souls and you taught some open minded human beings by being upfront, honest and talking about GLBT community and their difficult journey. Now go and get a cup of coffee and start your day and work on your next project. Don’t just lay there and relax and waste your time, there is a lot to be done. The day is beautiful out there and go and do something.

When Usha Govindarajulu my dear friend approached me on behalf of NetSAP Boston earlier this year, I said yes. I was working on the film project since last year and I could never say no to Usha and I said yes. Then they requested me to be part of the panel discussion as well and I said yes. You all know that I will never say no for such things, because as a GLBT community activist, you jump to any such rare opportunities coming your way. It’s a rare opportunity to bridge the gap between the straight and the gay community. Especially the South Asian community which lives far from each other and there is very little interaction or intersection. Talk about isolation, it’s part of my drive and why I feel the passion to reduce the gap and brignt the communities together and integrate the GLBT part in the main stream South Asian community. After all we are South Asians and we didn’t come from Mars or Jupiter [contrary to the belief and according to scientologists) and we boarded the same flights to US or our parents took the flights themselves witih dreams and few dollars in our pockets. :)

When I arrived at the conference on Sat and realized that its almost 1000 South Asian professionals are attending this conference. I was simply overwhelmed. I thought it must be in couple of hundreds and the crowd will be manageable. There they are, well dressed, well behaved, South Asians most of them talking with a American accent, well mannered and very accomplished in their fields. I was very impressed and happy to see the upcoming South Asian generation in USA and felt how driven they are to achieve success in their fields and their drive to excel (I will give a lot of credit to the annoying parents who tell us what to do most of the time, including our love life). At that moment, I felt alone. The lone GLBT represenatiave who is there to accomplish something that no one ever done it before. Glad Gayathri was there for the mostpart, its very soothing to see a familiar friendly soul next to you.

Whether it’s the panel discussion or the film screening, the outpouring support was great and I made many new fast friends there. Aditi, Ashwini, Farida, Sabhita, Falu, Manish and many more.. I have to check my card collection and recollect others names, you know that I am not very good with names. I forget them easily. I reconnected with Gayathri, Ranjani, Mr. Saigal, Usha, Dom, Shobhit, Pallavi, Tushneem, Arindham and many others. Kishor helped with the screening part and videographed my talk and the Q&A.

Never ever I was proud of myself and I think this conference reminded me why I am a community activist and why I spend all my resources and energy fighting for equality and edcuating myself and others. Ofte times, I am very critical about what I do and I have to admit it that I am proud of my accomplishment. There is always someone who helps you to achieve this, if it’s not my friend Usha, this could not have happened and I owe her a big one.

The theme of the conference said, Explore, Dream and Discover. I will have to say, Dream, Explore and Discover in that order. I dare to dream, I dare to seek and explore opportunities and in that special hard journey I discover a lot about myself and figure out who I am. Life is a journey and I wont deny that. I have started this journey and it will never stop, as long as I live and I am sane, I will continue surging ahead. There is a lot to be done, there is lot to be accomplished, I want to make a difference and I will do that.

Believe in yourself and chase those dreams and it’s never too late.

Now I should get my second cup of coffee and get out of here ASAP and do something, there is no time to sit around and do nothing. There is a lot to be done and accomplished. Boston, here I come.

The rainbow

2008-08-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

The colors of myself
Glows as a rainbow
Satrangi they call
The essense of my existance
The essense of my soul

I Glow in the shadows
I Glow in the nights
No one ever sees
No one ever feels
Its a utter dark secret

I am like a pearl
Tucked away neatly
In many dark corners
In the depths of secrets
Pushed away deeply
Tucked away safely

Here is my first chance
To step out in the sun
To bask in the glory
I am finally myself
I am true to myself

- Sarav July 14 2008

The 12th goodbye to my Dad!

2008-08-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Today Aug 10th 2008 and the day is almost over. Just got back from a nice outdoor cookout party and suddenly the sky opened up. The heavy rains, cloudy and gloomy day kind off reflected my mindset. Normally Aug 10th comes and goes and most of the time I wont remember it. I always get lost in the fast phased life here in the USA. You are far removed from your family and culture and its a big disconnect. No one is there to remind me about this fateful day. I would say its a blessing and I wont regret it.

Last night I was talking to my mom and then my Aunt when she reminded me that they are observing the 12th Anniversary of my Dad's passing away. For a few seconds I was silent and the whole life flashed before me. Its not easy, but the pain, the panic, the stress, the confusion, the numbness and a whole lot of feelings that you cannot put name to it returned for those brief moments. At that moment it felt like I was back in Durgapur and going thru those feelings again.

I have to be very honest about my feelings. Yes I was very sad and distraught, but slowly the loss became a relief. I know many of you may think, what a rotten thing to say? I am being very honest. My feeling about the loss even today has not changed a bit. There are two different things, loving someone and getting loved back. I sincerely loved my dad and I don't think it was acknowledged. He was lost in his own world of Alcohol, it consumed a able, handsome man. It robbed off a family of its happiness, peace and respect.

You know I believe that, everyone should give respect and get respect. I always believed in that and I will continue to do so. Just because someone is related by blood doesn't mean that we have to love them 100% no matter what they do and how they treat you. I don't think my Dad believed in it or Its just that alcohol took over this consciousness and he didn't think right.

Its utmost important for a Father to be a father and teach his kids right from wrong. Be a positive role model and love them the way they should be. Provide for them, guide them in obtaining good education, guide them to be a good human being. Just because someone contribute 50% of your genes doesn't mean that their responsibility is over. Either you can be a good father or you are not. Its a binary, yes or no. There is no in between stage.

I am robbed of a childhood because of my Dad and I am exposed to a lot which I am not supposed to be. Who should I blame now? Blame game doesn't help, either it make things worse. The years have passed and the wound is still raw and its very painful. Every time I see a dotting father on the streets or in a social settings, my life flashes before my eyes in a second. It reiterates what I have missed and I will never get to feel the love, warmth and caring side of a father. On the positive side this whole thing has helped to mould my life to be a better person. To be someone who cares for others, to be someone who is genuine and loves his Friends and family. Someone who is sensitive and someone who is different.

I have so many unfinished business with my Dad. I cant talk to him or ask him some difficult questions. One thing I can do is look deep inside me and find a way to forgive him. I will try to make peace with it somehow. Perhaps next year, I will remember this day and it will be a better one. May be the next year, I will have the courage to forgive him and move forward. Till then, I will be optimistic.

2008-06-06T20:53:00.000-07:00

Aids walk 2008

Standup for yours and others rights..

2008-05-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

May 21 2008, Cambridge , MA 7pm

Today, I was standing with a poster in hand in Cambridge Central square. Carol, Alpana, Brian and many more community members where there with me hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder. Our aim was to create awareness about the plight of 550 Indian trafficked workers and ensuing hunger strike by some of the workers.

We are from different organizations, genders, sexual orientations, different races, we hailed from different corners of the world. But we stood united to give a voice to this modern slavery. In the age of Paris Hilton getting much of our prime time TV exposure and the rest going for the presidential coverage, we want to give a voice to this issue and get some much needed attention to the underlying problem.

The more I talked about it to complete strangers, the more powerful was the urge to do more for the plight of this helpless workers. These workers and their families and friends have sacrificed a lot for chasing a dream. A simple dream of having a better life and A simple dream of providing to their families. A simple dream of getting their brothers and sisters married off , in some cases their sons and daughters. I am sure some dreams were about building a house which they can call theirs for rest of their life. Or perhaps it could be as simple as putting food on their families table. But little did they know that they are duped into modern slavery and they will be virtual prisoners and end up with $20,000 in debt.

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Little did they know that they will be packed like sardines in small trailers and will be charged $1000 per month for that filthy inhumane conditions. Little did they know that they are the only group of employees who are forced to live in that condition and not free to live elsewhere. Little did they know their passports and visa papers will be confiscated by their employer.

BACKGROUND :

* In the aftermath of Katrina, Gult Coast employers lock African Amercian workers out and conspire with recruiters to find exploitable foreign workers to lock in.

* In late 2006, over 500 Indian workers mortgage their futures for an American dream by selling their homes, family farms and wives jewelry to raise $20,000 apiece for false promises of green cards and permanent residency from US and Indian recruiters.

* Instead they receive ten-month H2B guest worker visas and arrive to an American nightmare at Signal International worksites in Mississippi and Texas. They forced to live in company "man-camps" 24 men to a trailer, for which $1,050 a month is deducted from their salaries. Workers are trapper by ocean of debt at home and constand threats of deportation from the company when they ask for improvements.

*March, 9 2007, After workers begin to organize at the Pascagoula, MS shipyard, Signal stages a pre-dawn raid by armed guards who hold three of the workers in a locked room, saying they will be deported the next day. In desperation, worker and organizer Sabulal Vijayan slits his wrist in a suicide attemp, prompting hundres of workers to striker. Signal releases the organizers but fires them. The company thinks its problem are over, but workers continue to organize.

I applaud their courage to escape the modern day prison and break the chains of modern day slavery. They did not stand up for themselves but for the thousands of other trafficked workers in this country. We may not know their names, we may not know their stories, we may not know their dreams, we may not know their aspirations, but all we know is that they are human beings, and they are part of this society. They are here legally to chase a dream and still they fall thru the cracks. Their dreams and aspirations are shattered. Suddenly their dreams turned to a nightmare.

Does the system help them to get over this? No, it’s too slow to react. Does the new channels shed light on their plight, not its too busy covering Paris Hiltons and Lindsay logans. The younger generation is busy in American IDOL episodes or Reality TV. Where is the outrage, where is the collective shame? Where is our voice? Are we lost or did we gave up hope because of the recent wars? Or did we lost the ability to be compassionate to our fellow human beings? Or did we buy in to the Anti Immigrant right wing? Or we don’t care because their skin color is Brown?Lets prove this wrong, there is a lot to be done and too little time. Let’s not let anyone who is responsible go unpunished.

Lets standup for our rights and others. If you standup you can see the world better and you can see far and clear. This is the basis necessity, lets standup.

Please contact SAALT AT 301-270-1855 or saalt@saalt.org

காதல் என்றாய்

2008-05-18T11:57:00.000-07:00

காதல் என்றாய்
இதய கதவை திறந்தேன்
காதலா என்றாய்
கனிந்து உருகி போனேன்
வாழ்வே நீ என்றாய்
வசந்தத்தை கண்டேன்
காதல் கசந்ததேன்
வசந்தம் தொலைந்ததேன்
இருயிர் ஓருயிர் என்றாய்
ஓருயிர் இருயிர் ஆனதேன்

Its hard to be a vegetarian

2008-05-18T10:12:00.000-07:00

It was a fabulous Saturday. The day started off early, it’s not a usual beginning of a weekend, I have to leave home before 10AM for my dance class in Wayland, MA. It’s always fun to practice before the 1 1/2 or 2 hours class. Particularly yesterday was a very intense class, but it was fun. The leg pains later made me feel that the class was worth it.

Dear friend Kishor planned and coordinated a movie outing (Before the rains) one of the rare crossover Indian English movie @ Kendal square cinemas. The movie was a nice one and after the movie we planned for dinner. We hanged out at a local coffee shop before heading out for dinner as we all thought it was too early for dinner. Yes 6:30 is too early for Desi's for dinner. :)

We thought about Emma's pizza, but somehow we decided to go to Legal sea food in Kendal square. The moment it was mentioned I had some doubts about the menu. Since it specializes in Sea food, I wasn’t sure about the vegetarian option. I am sick and tired of going to fine restaurants and eat a salad or appetizer or just one entree on the menu. It’s particularly hard when everyone gobbles up some wonderful soups, appetizers and entrees and I had to be content with lettuce, spinach and dressing. Sometimes I am fortunately to get pasta and Italian vegetables.

It’s nothing wrong with going out with friends, but when you feel you are not going to have many options or going to eat the same thing for the 100th time, you are not excited. Leave alone the cost of the dining experience, the tension and stress of not finding a decent food is not right. Especially when you end up coming home and invade your fridge or pantry for food is not funny. At the end of the day, your wallet is very light, your stomach is mostly empty and you are not happy about the dining out experience.

I always have 3 options.
1. Don’t go out and avoid any restaurant situation
2. Go out with friends who are sensitive to your problem
3. Friends who are not bothered by my dietary restriction.

It’s not nice of me to impose my dietary restrictions on someone else, why do I have to curtail someone’s eating out experience? After all everyone like to go and dine in a nice restaurant and fulfill your palette, mind and stomach?

Anyway, we ended up in Legal sea foods at 7pm. It was crowded and people were hanging out everywhere waiting to be seated. We approached the host and asked for seating for 4. At that time I asked them to look at the menu and inquired whether they have any vegetarian option. One of the host or Manager guy said they have plenty of Vegetarian options and all of them are good. He went on to say that don’t worry about it and you will be taken care off. It gave some hope and the problem of finding decent vegetarian food lessened in my mind.

After waiting for 15/20 minutes we were seated and were provided with the menu. To my horror, only vegetarian option was a Thai dish with tofu and nothing more. Its painful to scroll thru the menu to find some vegetarian dish and there was none. I asked the waitress about this and she said that is the only option they have and they have none.

I was so pissed and angry at that point. We ordered our beverages and I didn’t feel like I am going to take this and sitting there and pretend that nothing happened. After all it’s my dining experiences also counts and I don’t have to sacrifice again with my friends around. I have done it many times and I have decided not to do it often. I was preparing to go back to the host station and confront the guy for his misinformation, luckily the guy who lied to us, walked by to the next table. I told my friends that I am going to ask him about it pointedly; they were like "oh gosh, here goes another drama" and busily buried themselves in the menu and pretended to be busy. But I am sure they are all very curious to see and hear how it goes.

When he was going back to the host station, I interrupted him politely and inquired whether there is something wrong with the menu. And I asked him that I didn’t see anything else other than one Vegetarian dish. He got tensed and defensive; I could see that in his eyes and his body language. He went ahead and pointed me to the 5 salads and said that there is always the salad option. What a crap.. I told him a salad doesn’t make a meal or a entree and it’s not fine. I told him that he should have been more honest about the option when we inquired in the first place. That fucking bastard just shrugged his shoulders and walked away, making a gesture as if it’s not a big deal for him.
At that point, I didn’t have any other option but to walk out of the restaurant. I told my friends that I don’t want to eat there and I cannot feel comfortable eating there any longer. After that, that restaurant didn’t deserve my money and not a penny of my hard earned money.
They all walked out with me and it made me real proud. I am happy to be surrounded by some understanding and thoughtful friends. After all, you have to care about others as well. Otherwise you can’t be friends with anyone who doesn’t care about you; definitely I care about my friends and their needs. It’s part of life and that’s who I am and I won’t change.

Later we ended up in Cambridge brewery (Our first choice :)) and had a fabulous time. Ended up eating a Vegetarian Pizza and it was good. At the end of the evening, everyone had a great time and much better than dinning in "Legal sea foods".

I came home happy, content and I didn’t have to invade my fridge for an empty stomach. Till the next eating out disaster, I had enough for one day to last for few months.

Shy goodbye?

2008-04-27T08:03:00.000-07:00

A cold spring dawn
Confused birds
Chirping away
Leaves rustling
On the distant tree
To calm those birds
Like a caring mom

A cold gentle breeze
Dancing on its way
To the eternity
No one knows

I lie there
In that madness
Next to you
Warm and cozy
Just you and me
Nothing in between

It is like yesterday
We hugged and said goodbyes
To write our chapters
In the annals of life
On our own
In different directions
On different paths
In different dimensions
On different quests

Yet you came back
Without a notice
Like a gentle breeze
On a warm sunny day

You kiss with passion
You hug with love
My bones crackle
My muscles ache
You hug me so tight
I can barely breathe
You hold me so close
To charge our souls

You share your dreams
You share your travels
I was not part of it

You share your passion
You share your desires
Far from me
On a desolate land
I can only imagine
I can only dream

You lie next to me
Warming my soul
At this very moment
When half the world is sleeping
Yet you will disappear
Without a notice
Like no tomorrow
Like there is no future
With a short shy goodbye
With a warm gentle kiss

You may come back
With the same warmth
With the same passion
With the same love
I will never know
I can only guess

I will try to remember
The warmth of your soul
The closeness of our hearts
The sound of our beats
This very moment in our lives
To recall and remember
On a cold spring day
When I stare at the roof
To kill my silence
To kill my loneliness
To sooth my pains

Endless..

2008-04-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

The Endless gaze
Day and night
In search of something
Has no soul
Has no shape
With no purpose
With no meaning
Peer into the
hearts and souls
Felt so empty
Feel no warmth
It doesnt end there
The Endless gaze
A bottomless pit
Far and wide

Glimmer of hope
Once in a while
Yet you forget
Where to look
The Endless gaze
Day and Night
In search of something
Has no soul
Has no shape

Goodbye Jena

2008-03-07T13:11:00.000-08:00

Never knew
you existed
Never Listened
Your joyful laughter

Never felt
Warmth of your soul
Never Knew
You were loved

Never Knew
You were in love
Never Knew
Your heart was broken

Great pain ensued
Tortured you day and night
You lost love
You lost hope

You forgot
How to laugh
You forgot
How to live

You forgot
All your loved ones
You forgot
You existed

Like Romeo and Juliet
Like Laila and Majnu
Those thousands of
Tourtered Lover souls

Did you embrace
Death with smile
Did you embrace
Death with tears

Did you think
Death was the answer?
Did you think
Any way out?

Thousand questions
Haunt my mind
I feel the pain
As if its all mine

Goodbye Dear Jena
Goodbye forever
Hope your soul
Will rest in peace
- Sarav

I am alive again!

2007-01-26T11:14:00.001-08:00

I am alive
I am alive again
your touch
your stare
your smile
your smell
your warmth
woke me from
Eternal sleep
I am alive
I am alive again
touch me
hold me
love me
taste me
never let go
I am alive
I am alive again

Dance like a Man!

2007-01-26T11:13:00.003-08:00

Dream, no one can stop you from dreaming. You are your own boss, you can dream whatever you want. Its cheap and very simple to dream. Its doesn't cost you a penny, however, power of dreaming is exceptional, very effective and makes you do things to achieve your dreams. They don't go away. Mahatma Gandhi had a dream look where it let India too? MLK had a dream look where it left African Americans in USA to? It leads you to success and eventually you can change history. These are some exceptional example of how we can utilize the power of dream, harness it to our advantage and moreover its free.

Growing up I had lots of dreams. Some are simple ones and some didn't come to for a long time. One of them is learning dancing, learning Bharatanatyam to be very precise. Bharatanatyam is one of the Indian classical dance forms. I was introduced to this when I was in First grade. Ever since my Music teacher checking out my classmates adavus, I was hooked. It happened often and I went home and performed my version, whatever way I remembered to my mom and sometimes, I was asked to perform before my neighbors. I loved doing it. I suppose a male child was not supposed to, I don't think I ever expressed my interest to my parents neither did I tell them nor did they see the potential in me. Many other dreams I pushed way deep into my mind and dared to dream about them. I thought I was being considerate towards to families financial situation. A modest upbringing will do that to you and realize and see lots of things when you are younger. You don't have to be an adult to see many things. perhaps I matured faster in that environment. Perhaps I lost my childhood to that environment? Perhaps I didn't fit in. Perhaps I was like that by nature. Perhaps its my destiny. Perhaps its natural to adapt to situations like that.

I grewup, went to college graduated, moved away from home to Calcutta and after few years to US. Years went by and again I was Introduced to Bharatanatyam by my dear friend Sudharshan. He is a very talented male dancer and exponent of this art. He is a self styled ambassador for arts and culture. His performances over the past few years fueled the fire within me. Deep down the dream I had as a little boy, was dormant. It awoke with this pleasant stimulation and it germinated into a plant. My desire to learn dance once again burnt like a wild fire within me. It grew bigger and bigger day by day.

This time around, I am independent and not a child anymore. I can seek whatever I wanted. I have the freedom and resources at my disposal. Not that I want to be a senator in the congress or senate. Just want to quench my thirst for arts. Appreciate the finer things my motherland offers. Coming from a rich culture like in India, music and dance plays a very important role in depicting the countries heterogeneous culture, the way of life, religions and the history. The influence of so many different great cultures that arrived in the subcontinent either via trade, missions or forcibly via wars are integrated over the centuries. Its a perfect amalgamation of so many languages, religions, cultures and needless to say, its has been a inspiration for many in different parts of the world.

The desire to learn and to dance was so great. In Spring of 2006, Cambridge Asian festival by River Charles was held. Sudharshan Belsare, Meena Subramanyam and Soumya Ramanathan danced representing the Indian subcontinent. The amazing recital of by the three got to me a point where I said, this is it. I better do something about this right now before its too late. I am not getting any younger. I was 32 at that time.

I talked to my friend Kishor and he expressed interest and also my friend Kannan with whom I went to the festival. He expressed interest as well. Being south Indians we appreciated the dance form more than our Northern counterpart. Because the songs were mostly in Tamil. And we relate to the beats and Tals and stories well. I am sure some of my North Indian brothers and sisters going wild on my comments. But honestly its my interpretation. Perhaps others may have a different perception about this whole South and North thing.

We three approached Sudharshan to find out anyone is giving lessons to 30+ adult men in Bharatanatyam. To our surprise, Meena Subramanyam's name came. We contacted her immediately. We were invited to a introduction class in Medway in the summer of 2006. We watched the class dance. Its not easy, but I loved it more than I did. I was dying to start my lessons.

The classes were over for the summer and the next semester starts only in the fall of 06. Unfortunately Kannan couldn't join us because of his travel for work. So Kishor and I have joined the class in Spring of 06 and we have since been learning the dance form from Meena and Soumya. Arai Mandi, Mulu Mandi, Adavu, Jathi, Talangu ThakaThiku Thakka Thanringinathom, Adami, Pathakam etc were added to our vocabulary. I am constantly analyzing songs that I hear for beats and think about choreograph those songs.

I am looking forward to the day when I will be finally able to perform a formal dance. It may take years, but I have a dream. Its very powerful and with my dance teachers help and my friend Kishor as a dancing partner and practice partner, I can achieve that milestone. My dream will be a reality soon.

Platform singer

2007-01-26T11:13:00.001-08:00

I walk down the stairs
Off the street of sommerville
On to the platform
To catch the train
To bring me home
I hear a booming voice
singing along a soothing guitar
Standing alone and playing along
in a corner with his eyes closed
Not knowing whats around
Not knowing who is around
I sat on a bench and closed my eyes
To soak the music
Songs of war and peace, love and hate, hope and despair
Filled my soul deep to the core
warmth of the voice soothed my stress
I left the place with his fading voice
Took some peace, love and hope
To cleanse myself of hate and depair

Friends are family!

2007-01-26T11:12:00.003-08:00

Another busy holiday season arrived and will pass very soon. I am busy with buying gifts or fantasizing getting some hot gift for myself or my friends or my family. Or just having fun with window shopping or looking at all the catalogues and discount coupons sent my way. I cant deny the fact that Snow will be here very soon and I will be wearing layers of clothes to venture out or bitch about the high heating bill. Perhaps hug my friends to keep me warm when we are outside.. or stay closer to be warm and beat the cold. Its time of the year I like to spend a lot of time in coffee houses (No I didn't say bath houses) with friends, acquaintances and complete strangers. Its all part of life and drama that comes with it.

Perhaps another holiday season in which I add few pounds to my slim thin figure and constantly worry about how to loose them once the holiday season is over. Perhaps another holiday season in which I rakeup considerable CreditCard Debt and worry about paying them all at once, when the holiday season is over. I am not alone in this and I am sure many of you go thru this as well.

All these holidays don't have any religious significance to me. Growing up back in India, my family was very unorthodox, liberal and rebellious in many ways. (I was raised Hindu) My parents hardly went to temples and perhaps once or twice a year. We never performed pooja's at home regularly. Perhaps once or twice a year. Neither did my parent quoted religious scriptures to discipline us the rowdy kids nor did they notice me taking bible lesson thru post.

Thinking about my childhood, I was always the talkative, sensitive, troublemaker. Always trying to please others, I found out very early that I can sense other feelings easily (So don't pretend about anything, I can see thru you.) Arguing with my parents about things beyond my age, getting beaten by my father once a while and make my mom cry many times. Poor parents, they can take the shit only to a certain extent. I did good in school and excelled in debates and won some prices as well, I wish I had continued that. So we celebrated Diwali (Deepavali, Festival of lights), Pongal (Sankaranthi, harvest festival), Onam, Christmas, Eid, Ramzan etc. Our schools are out and I had neighbors from different religion and different states of India who spoke different languages. So its never religious for me, its all about having fun with friends, off from school and exchanging some wonderful sweets, cakes, and delicious food from our beloved neighbors.

I didn't grewup in a rich family, we lived from pay check to pay check like many others. Coffee with sugar in the beginning of the month and at the end sometimes we endup with Black coffee and brown sugar. Whatever we could offer. My mom served us with pride and never let us go hungry (Bless you mom), so we learnt to appreciate all the good things in life and appreciated all good things and good people. Its not the gifts it counted, it was all about people, love and company.

But when I started earning, I was far away from my hometown Coimbatore, working near Calcutta aka Kolkata. So it was a sudden transition, I can make some good money, but I am far from family. I cant make the trek of 3 days on train to go all the down south to meet the family often, so it was all about friends. I learnt to make few good friends and we are all like family. We as bachelors were invited for dinners, lunches and gatherings. Living in hostel's we didn't have access to cook in a kitchen. We relied on cafeteria food, so it was a delight to taste some home cooked food. I am so thankful to those wonderful souls.

Friends became my family since then. I learnt to appreciate the fact that I wont be able to spend time with my family as often as I thought I should be. Friends became family, my primary resource and caretakers. They are the ones who took care of me when I was sick, they are the ones who organized my birthday parties, they are the one who hugged me, they are the ones who laughed and cried with me, they are the ones who gave me strength and love when I needed it.

As any good story, good things wont last much. I did move to the states and 97 and left them all there and still stay in touch with them once a while. The good memories are there to help me thru the rest of my life.

Moving to states and finding new friends it was not easy, some move, I move, its the part of the game. But they are my family, my primary support network. I can be myself and I can let my guards down, They can see me in my real elements. I spend my holidays with them, celebrate Birthdays, talk to them when I feel the blues. We exchange our medical histories, love life, or love less life stories. See movies, meet others families when they show-up. We come is so many colors, sizes, ages, genders, sexual orientations, fetishes and moods. But hey we are all humans and we get along well. Why not?

The holiday season is here and we go thru this in our own style. No one is holding grudge against each other. Even if we do, we wont tell the other person. We just live our lives and navigate thru this wire mesh of our lives and try to strike a balance. Rely on our cell phones to memorize all our lives contacts and thinking about moving to Blackberry to be more connected to the cyber world 24x7.

Thank you friends and family, happy holidays.

Speakers: GLBT Asians do exist

2007-01-26T11:12:00.001-08:00

Speakers: GLBT Asians do exist By Tom Keane (From Boston College new magazine BCheights)
I am so priviledged to be part of this panel discussions. I am posting the new article for everyone to see. :)

From the Article

"I've tried to come out to my friends in India and they deny it. They say you're not gay, you can't be gay," said Sarav Chithambaram, a software engineer and panelist at "Asians Can't Be Gay?! The Silent Struggle." The panel discussion was presented by the GLBT Leadership Council (GLC) and the Asian Caucus Thursday.

The panel featured four speakers, Sarav Chithambaram, Kristin Ming, a local engineer, and BC professors Min Hyoung Song and Ricco Siasoco. All four are of Asian descent and consider themselves members of the GLBT/Queer community.

The panel discussed the position of Asians within the larger GLBT/Queer community. The panelists and the student organizations that organized this event sought to correct the false assumption that Asians rarely deviate from a heterosexual lifestyle.

The presentation began with a short film which briefly interviewed members of the Asian and GLBT/Queer communities here at BC. In the film, BC students were asked if they knew any Asian members of the GLBT/Queer community and what their thoughts were about Asians "coming out."

The four speakers were then introduced to the audience, and each panelist spoke briefly about their experiences as Asian members of the GLBT/Queer community. After they were introduced, the panelists answered questions asked by the moderator, Myhanh Tran, president of the Asian Caucus and LSOE '07, and members of the audience.

The panelists all stated that they did not choose to be attracted to the people they are attracted to, they have always had feelings, which some might consider not "normal."

"Being gay is a part of me, but not who I am fully," said Chithambaram.

The panelists did point out that they did not believe that being members of the GLBT/Queer community was the sole defining aspect of their lives. Siasoco said, "Being gay is different in my professional and personal lives." Other panelists agreed with him on this, making it clear that they considered themselves to be much more than just members of the GLBT community.

The issue of race was discussed at length by the panel. "The gay community in the United States is not free from racism and there is tension there," said Song.
The panelists made it clear that Asians are highly visible in the GLBT/Queer community, something of a minority within a minority. While they have all become friends with Caucasian members of the GLBT/Queer community, they have experienced racism from other members of this group.

"It's nice to assume that all members of the GLBT community, having experience prejudice, are accepting," said Kristin Ming, but that is unfortunately not the case many times.

The panelists did express hope that prejudices against Asians in the GLBT/Queer community, and against the GLBT/Queer community as a whole, can be overcome. They stated that they were excited to be involved in this panel, because it created an opportunity for dialogue on this discussion.

Another major issue the panelists discussed was how members of the GLBT/Queer community are viewed by other members of Asian culture. They pointed out that this is a more complex question than many realize, due to the vast differences of culture and tradition among Asians of different nationalities. This can lead to a wide range of responses when an Asian comes out to his or her family.

Many Asians in the GLBT/Queer community believe that it is safer to come out in the United States as opposed to Asia. They believe that the environment in America is much more accepting and open than in Asia. The panelists said that idea has merit, but at the same time it might be somewhat inaccurate in how it views the opinions of homosexuality in Asia.

"In a lot of [Asian] cultures, homosexuality was well integrated," said Song.

The panel said that Western influence helped make homosexuality taboo in Asia. Chithambram pointed out that India's Kama Sutra has several chapters devoted to homosexuality and that homosexuality has a long history in that country.

Panelists pointed out that that attitude has changed, and the West has played a major role in that change. Now, Asians are rarely thought of when people consider the GLBT/Queer community. Members of the panel claimed that most people think of homosexuality as a "white thing." This has been detrimental to the establishment of a complete understanding of the GLBT/Queer community in society as a whole.

A major obstacle to increasing awareness about Asians in the GLBT/Queer community is the lack of role models for Asians in that community. They stressed the idea that Asians, as well as other minorities, are just as likely to be homosexual as whites. They hoped that events such as this could help raise awareness of Asians in the GLBT/Queer community.

They also recommended several support groups in the area, such as QAPA (Queer Asian Pacific Alliance), MASALA (Mass Area South Asian Lambda Association), and Rainbow Cambridge, for GLBT Asian students who might be searching for such groups.

Fight against AIDS my journey and yours!

2007-01-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

Dec 1st the world aids day. This year was no different from the year before and the year before. Still no sight of any vaccine to prevent the disease or any cure. The slogan being Prevention is better than cure for next year or few years. The struggle goes on. Let us be honest and say what did we do different on this day to make a difference in the community? Did we take a stand? Are we going to do something about it? Talk about it? get tested? support the fight? get educated and equip ourselves with more information?

This is not a Gay disease or straight disease. Its a human tragedy. 40 million people currently living with the virus across the globe. Mostly in developing nations. Mothers, fathers, children, Young men, Young girls, parents, brothers, sisters, partners, husbands, wifes, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, grand parents, colleagues, class mates the list goes on and on. They are somebody and it matters to us all. The whole new generation not knowing that they carry this virus, not seeking treatment and live a dangerous life. But when they find out, it may be too late for many. We cant develop a blind eye and be selfish, indifferent and do nothing. Its every ones fight and we have to fight this. What happens in China or India or South Africa will affect you tomorrow. It may not affect you today, but definitely it will soon.

If the world show concern for this epidemic compared to the efforts of people during holiday shopping season, we will go a long way. Compared to indifference of Churches, Synagogues, Mosques and Mandirs , imagine if they change their stand part of this fight, how much we can progress in this never ending fight? As a united force, we can achive great things. History teaches this time and again.

This fight is very personal to me. It started with finding our that one of my friend was living with AIDS when he got hospitalized suddenly. I cried all night, because of fear, compassion, not knowing anything about the disease and thought I could be me one day. This is a fear I am living with since I came out. Fortunately my ex BF was a registered nurse and he was on phone with me for hours that night and calmed me down. He gave me strength and wisdom to go seek the education I needed to equip myself and get rid of all the misconceptions I had. I was naive enough to think that I could get HIV by sharing my personal space with someone, hugging, hand shaking or kissing someone. How naive I was? How missinformed I was. This was few years ago, when I just got out of my closet and started exploring the gay world.

There is my friend, a dear friend who lost his partner to this deadly disease. Unfortunately he passed away even before I becomes friends with this friend. His pictures, belongings still around my friends place, but his memories lingers on. A few others who lead a healthy life, some who disappeared from this planet quiety and joined the angels. I didn't know them very well, but they simply disappeared from the private safe spaces which I was part off. Kept me wondering how many in the future? That makes their presence today even dearer.

I remember a close call last year, when one of my "dates" called me late in an evening and broke the news that he had tested positive. I didnt know what to say, I become numb and I couldnt respond. Somehow my life flashed before me. I haven't been with him for over a year, I know that the chances of me contracting the virus was next to impossible. I am always safe and I get tested every 6 months. Yet somehow I panicked and spend a sleepless night after pacifying him. Unknown fear, irrational thoughts took over me all night. Twisting and turning in the bed didnt work. At work the next day I was like a walking zombie, couldnt concentrate on work, meetings, I was lost in my own world. Luckily I had a blood test scheduled that day. I went for a blood test at the free clinic operated by Fenway health clinic in Boston. The test came out neg to my relief. But the irrational thoughts, the stress, the shear pain of going thru this, is huge. You have to go thru this to understand the feeling.

I don't want to spend my life going thru this constant fear. I know deep down I want to be in a monogamous, trustful relationship. But let us face it, I haven't dated anyone since I broke up with my ex partner more than 3 years ago. What are the odds of me finding the real one? What is wrong with the community in general? Being a minority within the community raises so many questions, issues and problems. Am I being racially profiled or exotified or am I just an eye sore for many or just too sensitive? Do I have to go to the gym 7 days a week to keep me in better shape to attract some shallow guy to date? Are the gay relationships based on Physical attributes only?. Sex is always good, but there is a whole world beyond satisfying your bodily urge. Deep down I am a person and I want to be happy and I want to see my friends and community happy. Most of us complain about this and lead less than perfect lives. But yet we don't know what to do about this? Do we? I have no answer. Perhaps we will find an answer soon enough to change our lives!.

I talk about this epidemic wherever and whenver I get a chance. I don't shy away talking about this. I am very mindful for the people who live with the virus. I do the AIDS walk (Annual AIDS walk organized by Aids Action Committee http://www.aac.org ) every year in Boston. On top of it, someone spread a rumor that I am positive and that why I am very passionate about fighting this disease. When I heard this, it hurt me so bad. Why would people be so mean and back stab someone like this? Even if I am positive what is their business anyway? When did someone's health becomes an issue among our peers? But does that make me be less effective in the fight? Does that make me think twice doing something related to this disease? Hell no.. I will never let someone drag me down, I will go ahead and march for the fight I believe in. I will drag my friends and family along in that fight. I will do whatever I can and try to make a difference.

This is the fight we will win eventually. It may take years and decades, but we cannot slowdown. We have to fight with full intensity and surge ahead. Damn with government policies, red tapes, bigotry, stupidty and religious beliefs. We the people are more powerful than them and all of our efforts add up to more than what we contribute as individuals.

Let us make a difference. I will try my best and I hope you will.

Break the surface!

2007-01-26T11:10:00.004-08:00

Break the surface
gasp for air
Burden on my shoulders
drags me down
Deep down
Dark and cold
Filled with filth
filled with dirt
no light
penetrate this deep
no sound
penetrate this deep
no warmth
touch my soul
creatures lurking
in the dark
Creatures touching
me everywhere
Days go by
months go by
weights add up
suffocate my core
try to breath
need of air
muster my strength
from the core
break the surface
take a breath
see the light
of the world
in that moment
and sink back
to the deep

My skin color matters!

2007-01-26T11:10:00.003-08:00

Constant gaze
Piercing stare
You Turn your head
Whisper hate words
Hold me in contempt
Think you are better
You say
My skin is light
Think you are better
In your small mind
Treat me like dirt
Like shit on your shoes
Smile in pretence
When in need
Talk in pretence
When in need
Your heart is cold
Your soul is cold
I give a damn
For your hate
I give a damn
For your fate
I walk away
With my head
Held so high
Like a lotus
Floating in the pond
My heart is light
filled with love
filled with peace
Still there is
A place for you
In my heart
Quit the hate
see the truth
see the light

White picket fence

2007-01-26T11:10:00.001-08:00

The perfect dream
A house in the suburbs
By the lake
Big white house
Victorian perhaps
High perfect ceilings
Nice little garden
Filled with life
Nice little pond
Filled with fish
Large space to live
With my honey
Little me
Little him
Lots of crying
Lots of tantrums
Noicy as it gets
But its divine
Movie nights
Tons of popcorn
Tons of candy
Families and Friends visiting
From far and near
One big family
One loving family
We do fight
We do feud
End with a kiss
End with a hug
Forgiving family
close to heaven
The perfect dream
In a perfect house
with white picket fence
With my love
A love filled house
A fun filled house
Gaurding my dream
White picket fence

Lovers on Province-town streets

2007-01-26T11:09:00.003-08:00

The skies are blue
The gentle breeze
The endless parade
Of man and beast
I dont know
where are you from
I dont know
who you are
I dont know
your name
I dont know
what you do
You walk on the streets
Hand in hand
You stand on the street
holding hands
Smiling, happy and warm
Free at last
From the bonds
From the hatred
From the never understanding
Small world bonds
It all matters
Who you love
It doesnt matter
How you love
It all matters
That you love
Walk on the streets
Hand in Hand
Dont be shy
To give a kiss
Dont be shy
To give a hug
Dont be shy
To show your love
Its your home
away from home
One and only
Province town
The skies are blue
The gentle breeze
The endless parade
Of man and beast
One and only
Province town

Dear Diary : Confessions of Province town vacation Aug 2006

2007-01-26T11:09:00.001-08:00

Aug 20 2006

Vacation 2006 started off little after 1:30 pm on Sunday 08/21. I start driving the 120 odd miles to
Provincetown. The weather was bit gloomy, very cloudy and it was like its going to rain any time. It didn’t damper my vacation spirits. It’s been a while since I took a real vacation. Last year I went to San Francisco for couple of weeks about the same time. This year around my Vacation part A will be of 1 week. I didn’t forget to pack my beach apparels, accessories and my mountain bike. Province town has a nice bike trail that goes around the town. The drive was not that bad, there were packets of traffic snarls along the way, but it was not that bad. I stopped midway to get a cup of coffee at the local Dunkin Donuts. A cup of coffee from Dunkin Donuts has become a routine whenever I am on road. It gives a kind of warmth and I always look forward to buy that cup of Joe. If you ask me, it tastes different and delicious when I am on the road.

On the way, I called my friends Kannan and made some ado plans with him for the Labor day weekend around Sep 4th. Then I called Kishor and informed him about the plans and chatted for a while.

I was planning to reach Ptown around 4:00 pm. I think I have underestimated the speed limits in these parts of the world. It went down from 65 – 60 – 50 – 45 – 40 – back to 50. It was a slow drive. Once a while some very cautious driver backed up the traffic, I forgave them all with my vacation spirits.

Finally around 4:30 I arrived at the place where I booked the room. It’s a private house and its my first time I have come to province town alone and also never stayed in a private house before. It’s a first. My bladder was full since I drove passed Hingham. I wanted very badly to go to the bathroom. That’s the only thing that was in mind. You know how preoccupied our minds will be when we need to relieve ourselves in anyway. The host mentioned that he lived in the first floor. Being an Indian, sometimes, I confuse it with the American standard of First Floor = ground floor. I ended up going to the second floor apartment. Whoever lived there was as filthy as it gets. The place was smelly with couple of cats and the place was cluttered with empty booze bottles and cigarette butts. There was trash everywhere, piles of magazines and news paper, clothes hanging on all possible places, unwashed utensils, dirty floor with at-least few inches of dirt. The place smelled like something I have never smelt before. I somehow managed to find the bath room and relived my tension. I was so stressed thinking about staying in that place. At that point I was ready to pack my bag and look for other accommodation in the town. Did I have any other options? No I don’t think so. I could not even comprehend if I had to stay in that place. Not even for few minutes. I stepped outside the place to breathe some fresh air. I realized that I stopped breathing for almost over a minute. It was raining outside, but I thought I will wait outside or even in the car. When I stepped outside, I saw the guy who lives there at the bottom of the steps. He had a suspicious and annoyed expression on his face. He looked up and asked me what I was doing in his apartment? I replied that I was looking for so and so. He said so and so lives in the first floor apt. I was so relieved to hear those words and I practically ran down the steps as if like a lover running down the steps to great his/her lover. I apologized for my intrusion and didn’t stop my sprint till I reached the actual house. I was very excited and more relieved. It could have been a spectacle had I been in the house peeking thru the things I wasn’t supposed to do and caught with my zippers down in the bathroom relieving myself and the person who lives there showed-up. He could have called the police or beat me up for the intrusion. Who knows, anything is possible. We can’t discount or say anything in this day and age. It’s a different world now.

I ran into the downstairs apartment and there they were the Host and the fellow guests. They all welcomed me warmly with a smile. I was literally shocked and stressed. My whole body was shaking, I was breathing heavily. Perhaps my blood pressure was way up there. I could easily feel a headache coming soon. Thank god I have my Tylenol with me. I don’t go anywhere without them and it takes care of my headache like a charm. I told them what had happened few minutes back and how I messed up the first floor thing and ended up in the second floor apartment. It evoked some good laughs. I did feel like a drama queen from Days of our lives or one of those day time soap operas. Perhaps I could try for a role in one of these shows. Perhaps they have a visiting Indian student or house boy or a grocery store guy role for me. Who knows..

I got my stuff in my small but nicely decorated room with quaint little things. I realized that I had bought my oversized luggage with me. It didn’t fit in the closet, I had to keep it upright so that I can close the closet door and let the air thru the window flow in to the room. I went to the local store with one of my housemate and later he offered to take me to the commercial street. He is a pianist and visiting here to enjoy the season. We walked from the west end to the east end. Visited a art gallery where few of my hosts works were displayed. On the way back, I stayed in the Commercial Street strolling on the street. Well believe me, I was there to check out the Commercial Street
and businesses and shops. Enjoyed some window shopping, a deep discussion about being vegetarian at a local global gifts shop, my dinner at a nice vegan place, cup of coffee at the wired puppy coffee shop with some internet browsing and I walked back to my room.

Chatted with my host and couple of room-mates and called it a day. A new day, new possibilities and new beginnings.

Aug 21 2006

I woke up to the sound of foot steps of someone. Not sure it’s the upstairs neighbor or someone from the house. Later one of my housemate told me that it was my other housemate who works in an art gallery and she is from Boston. It was around 7:30 or so. I could still hear the crickets chirping away. The sun is not out yet, it was bit cloudy and chilly. Perhaps it’s going to be a day like this the whole day. I am contemplating getting some coffee with some breakfast. I will make it a nice day all around.

I freshened up and got out of my room and I saw my housemate Patrick. He is all set of go out. I asked him where he is going. He said he is going to get some coffee... I readily said I will join him. In a few mins we were out on to Commercial Street with our laptops. The place I am staying didn’t provide broadband access. So I ended up seeking alternatives. A coffee shop called wired puppy had couple of laptops with free wifi. We ended up going to Joe’s coffee shop. Ordered my Chai. The coffee shop employees were very friendly... The lady who was making Chai said she visited India
for a few months. We had a small chat and not surprising, the Chai was so good. I enjoyed it.

We headed across the street and found our free wifi outside of Symbology. We browsed for few hours before the batter ran out of juice. We headed home and took a brief break before heading to the beach. I started watching Dil Apan Aur Preeth Parayi a Hindi classic starring Meena Kumari and Raj Kumar. I got my bike out of my car (I am yet to find a cycle stand which will fit my RAV 4). It’s a short ride to the Herring cove beach. 10 mins ride to the beach and we parked our bikes and walked 18 mins to a section of the beach and we settled down.

The beach was very busy. Filled with so many beach goers. It was all white white and white. White sands and white dudes all around. As you know, I get nervous when the crowd is only white. But who cares, I changed to my beach outfit and got ready for the ocean. It was cloudy when we got there. The sun was peeking little bit here and there thru the clouds. It was nice. I checked the water, not bad, it was not too cold and it was not too hot. My housemate encouraged me to take a dip. Then I went into the water. It was amazing. After getting over the first sensation of cold water touching your back, I was comfortably immersed in the ocean. I tried my signature swimming strokes and techniques (Thanx Liane) and it was magnificent. I was submerged up to my neck and looked far into the ocean. I could see a few sail boats here and there and the cloudy sky touched the water at some point. The sun rays peeking thru the clouds created an optical illusion of divine rays from heaven reaching down the earth. In this day and age of war, death and fear, it was so soothing. It was a moment of connecting to the source, very spiritual and very calming. Its very difficult to express exactly how I felt, you have to feel it to enjoy every bit of it. Every second of it is worth the trip.

After frolicking with the nature for sometime I got out of the water. But after a minute, I couldn’t resist but go back into the water and continue my spiritual experience. At that moment, me and my nature, that was my world. I got disconnected from the physical self and enjoyed the moment. To back it up, I and my housemate did meditation on the beach for 20 mins or so. I had my ipod with all the meditation commentary and ready to go. Beach was the highlight of the day.

I got home showered and went to the T dance at the Boat slip. It was boring; I somehow felt that I am blocking my housemate from meeting guys. I excused myself and went for fetching some coffee at the Wired puppy. By this time, the employees recognized me and welcomed me back. Small world. I got my coffee and went to the pier and enjoyed the quiet evening. Fishing boats and cruises coming shore, people simply enjoying the evening breeze, artists sketching, birds making all kinds noise. Patrol men, kids running around, quiet families walking around, it was nice. Then I decided to walk back home get something to eat. Went to subway and got my sandwich, I did meet a guy from Boston
named Steve. Looks like he saw me on the commercial street earlier and we had a little talk before I headed home. On the way back home, I met my housemates on the way. I bought some wonderful sea shell necklaces from a little girl who set up her booth on the commercial street. She was very cute and was like, name your price. I bought 4 of those so that I can pass it along to the lucky ones later. We all went home, had out dinner and I took off for more decaf and internet browsing.

Came back home around 10:30 and watched the rest of the movie before calling it a day.

Good night

Aug 22 2006

Tuesday started as usual. My housemate’s footsteps again manifested as an alarm. I woke up completely and got outside of my room to freshen-up. My housemate greeted me with a shy and guilty smile. Apparently he didn’t come home last night, the classic province town story. Ha ha. I got ready and went outside for Chai at the Joe’s. We went there with our laptops, when we got out with our Chai and coffee; we were looking for the bench where we could get some signals to browse. Unfortunately it’s a public bench and it was taken. We reluctantly walked over to the art house, performance center and the coffee shop and sat outside. I felt guilty sitting outside, using their wifi for free and drinking some other vendors Chai. I went inside and ordered myself a nice vegan croissant. The guy was cute and I was trying to flirt with him and he got distracted. He was trying to get the croissant out of the toaster oven and the wax paper he was using caught fire. Well we didn’t scream like Boston nqueens with a dramatic fire fire and rescue me routine. I alerted him and he promptly put the flames down. That’s about it.

I met Curt from the twin city (Minneapolis); he is a masseur and here in the town on vacation. He apparently in to Buddhism, spirituality, meditation and eastern philosophy. He is a student learning Chinese medicine as we speak. His story was interesting. He wanted to go to Puttaparthi in
South India

on a pilgrimage to meet his god man "Puttaparthi Sai baba". Apparently his plans got cancelled and he couldn’t make it. He sounded very upset about the fact. He is a nice guy; I enjoyed having my conversation with him. We discussed many topics needless to say. While talking I noticed some nice sculptures next door in their yard. When I got out, I went and took some fabulous pictures for my collection. They all came out very good.

We decided to head to the beach and we started walking towards home, on the way I started taking pictures. It was fabulous to get some nice pictures and let us face it; Commercial Street is one of the best places to take some wonderful pictures. The place is dynamic and changes every second.

Beach was great and to top it off, I meditated for 25 mins on the sands and swam in the ocean. The water was warm and comfortable and it was nice to be in the water, I enjoyed every moment of it.

Got back to get my shower and headed back to the get some coffee at the wired puppy. It was my first visit of the day to this coffee shop. Met a local named David who was so nice, he urged me to visit the monument while I am visiting. I wasn’t considering visiting the monument, now I am intrigued. After coffee, did the subway, pier routine and got some wonderful pictures. I was listening to Lata Mangeshkars wonderful music from those days and it felt so beautiful. She was singing Dil apna aur preet parayi… Incidentally I saw the same movie the previous night. I relished and enjoyed my moment.

I walked back to Commercial Street and Curt called me, we met near the coffee house and we walked to the wharf? To get something for him to eat, incidentally “whatever happened to Jane” was being shown to the public. We saw the suspense movie; I want to see the movie in full some other time. Betty Davis and Ms. Crawford were fabulous. They lived their part, needless to say.

After a decaf at the art house, I kissed Curt goodbye and got back home to download my pictures and get ready for the Wednesday.

Ciao

Aug 23 2006

I know these journal entries are getting smaller, smaller and very brief. Is this a conspiracy or is it just a natural phenomenon. You decide.
As usual I went for coffee at the art house on Commercial street. By now I am friendly with the staff. The staff is of two kinds, guys and gals who grew up here and the rest
who are here working in the summer. Spend some hours browsing, drinking coffee and contemplating what to do.. I ended up walking a lot, it was a rare oppurtunity to go to the East end and take some wonderful pictures.
The East end is full of art galleries and the best thing I like about the decorations and the statues outside in the lawn. Took some wonderful pictures, cant wait to see them though.

Went to the Beach and met my friend Curt there, I went late today because I thought I will go there bit late and stay late. Normally I go with my housemate patrick but he leaves around 4:30 to go to the yoga class,
today was different. The usual swimming in the ocean, checking out guys, and how is in the buff etc, was boring after sometime. But anyway I went for a long walk with my Ipod blaring Indian filmi music and I went collecting pebbles.
After I came back, I meditated with my friend Curt and it was amazing. Third day in a row, meditating on the beach was great. I somehow think I attract those souls who are into spirituality and I kindoff beleive that I can get alon with them very well.
May be its too soon to make a judgement call on this, but I think its true. I feel comfortable I beleive. Neverthelss I am determined to do meditation whenever and wherever its possible, it makes me calm and recharged and relxed.
Vactaions are for relaxing and stress free, thats one of the reason I chose not to be part of the club scene, which are very loud, pretentious, body hungry and very costly. Who wants to pay $5.00 for a bottle of water? Water is more costly than alcohol, its pathetic.

Once i got back home, I went for my coffee, strolling, dinner, strolling and shopping spree.

Met curt at 10pm outside of my arthouse and then we went to see Ms. Richfield karoke at the *** video bar. It was fun, listening to all the girls and guys trying to karoke. I was ready to go around 12:15, kissed curt goodbye and headed home, way past the pizza place.
Walking past the pizza place makes me nervous, somehow iI feel that I am being watched watched and watched. get over it Sarav. Get over it.

Lovers on Province-town streets

The skies are blue
The gentle breeze
The endless parade
Of man and beast
One and only
Province town
I dont know
where are you from
I dont know
who you are
I dont know
your name
I dont know
what you do
You walk on the streets
Hand in hand
You stand on the street
holding hands
Smiling, happy and warm
Free at last
From the bonds
From the hatred
From the never understanding
Small world
It all matters
Who you love
It doesnt matter
How you love
It all matters
That you love
Walk on the streets
Hand in Hand
Dont be shy
To give a kiss
Dont be shy
To give a hug
Dont be shy
To show your love
Its your home
away from home
One and only
Province town
The skies are blue
The gentle breeze
The endless parade
Of man and beast
One and only
Province town

Aug 24 2006
Today is Thursday, its almost 5th day of my vacation, today I decided to do some sightseeing with my new friend Curt. I was recommended to see the Monument and the museum. Today is the day to get that done. I was sitting in the
Art house cafe and drinking coffee and watchihg people. I felt more romantic looking at all the people that early in the day. Especially two guys who were walking hand in hand on the street. I noticed them when they went past the window I was sitting
against. It inspired me to write a small poem. "Lovers on the streets of Provincetown". How appropriate for the season and the day, that made my day.
I waited for my friend curt till 10:30 and he didnt showup. I called him on the phone and he was asleep.. no wonder. We decided to meet later and I had some more time to kill. I took off from the coffee house and headed towards the east end
Got my antoher cup of coffee (Decaf) and sat on the benches opposite the city hall. A street performer was playing flute and I was able to listen to the music and also read Ya Ya sisterhood book. It was sunny and nice weather.
I could sense families coming by and sitting besides me and listening to the music. After sometime, Curt called me and I went to his guesthouse from there its a short walk to the monument.

The monument is few centuries old, at the entrance there is a small giftshop and a museum. We paid $7 for the entrance fee and checked the museum first. It was interesting to see the early exhibit and the Mayflower history. Well birth of a new generation and death of a old one.
Did the pictures of first encounter between the Mayflower people and the native americans depict the future correctly? Yes it did. Its a new beginning but an end to a wonderful culture. Needless to say.
I felt a sense of sadness seeing the picture, its a fact and hope someday we acknowledge it with the due respect it deserves.

While we were enjoying the exhibits, this kids annoying cry really bothered me. When I looked around, I saw a little Indian boy (From India) running around crying, while his parents were very keenly deeply appreciating the exhibits. Perhaps we can all learn from them
how to mask these external noices. Its good for us, dont you think so? :)

From the exhibit, we went to see the monument. We have to climb all the way up the monument, I tried to take some pictures of the monument and alas, my battery died after two shots. Unfortuanately my backup batteries are not there in the camera bag. I ran to the giftshop to get
more batteries and they didnt carry them. What a dissapointment. Well, I did climb the monument and had a good view of the bay area in all four directions. It was bit crowded with families, lovers and single people alike. We did have a good time, wish I had my camera ready to take
some wonderful shots from that height. On the way back the customer service reps where kind enough to give me a free pass for the next day. Hope I can use it and it will be sunny and clear to take those pictures I want to take.

We dined at Tofu go go restaurant and I went home. the day was sunny and bright and I thought even around 3pm I could get to the beach and enjoy the sun. when I got home, my housemates where still home. Patrick still nursing a hangover, Marcello ready for his jogging and beach routine,
I got them motivated and before no time we headed to the beach. The beach was nice, I enjoyed the long swim I did.I was bit scared with my freestyle swimming in the ocean. I wasnt sure I was swimming closer to the shore, I was afraid that I may swim too deep into the ocean and drown.
What a silly thought? But considering that I only learnt swimming earlier this year, its a normal fact. I cant be cocky enough to think that I can swim across the ocean or take the waves as they come.

Came home little after 6 and freshened up and went to get some coffee. The usual grind. I met my online friend Stewart who drove from Philly that day for dinner. Nice conversation and nice company. For the first time this week, I had enjoyed a proper sitdown dinner at a restaurant.
It was getting bit chilly and cold, so we went to get some coffee and chat indoors. Stewart didnt drink coffee so he gave me company while I drank 12oz of americana decaf coffee.
Went home after 11:00.

To have a perfect ending to a nice day, I decided to popin a Bollywood movie. 70s movie starring Sadhana and Sunil Dutt called "Mera Saya" means "My shadow". I have seen this movie years ago, but didnt remember much of it. So it was interesting to watch the rest of the movie till late in the night.
The music is haunting, Madan Mohan did a wonderful job some 30 years back, but wonderful to beautiful Sadhna and Handsome Suil Dutt going thru this wonderful love story and suspence as the sametime.

Aug 25 2006
"Talk the talk but dont walk the walk."

Today is Friday. The forecast for the day was lots of rain, cloudy and cold. I got out of the house as usual for my coffee and checking emails and updating my blog. I certainly felt that I will be cold as I didnt dressup for the day nor did I have warm clothes packed in my luggagge.
I called up curt and he cameby to hangout with me at the art house. I was busy drinking my coffee, chatting with curt and people watching. That was divine. The place was very crowded yesterday because of the weather. I wasnt suprised. Its a normal human behavior any given day.
Curt headed back to his guesthouse as he was not feeling well. Previous day sea food did it. Then this call from someone in Singapore. Not sure why I recived this call, but looks like the person was calling me on my mom's behalf. He went on about how my mom misses me and when
I should be going back to India and such. First of all I felt really very weird, some stranger who I completely dont know is calling me and lecturing me of my duties or my obligations. But it made me thinking as well, is my communication with my mom borken like Vivi and Sidha in Ya Ya sisterhood?
Is my mom so scared of telling my anything at all? Do we need a open heart to heart conversation session soon to sort this out?
The call made me angry, but made me think as well. It certainly didnt upset as normally it could have. The vacation and less stresslevel helped me to cope with this call. Thats certainly true.

I started to do the walk along Comm st. It was nice walking along the street people watching and wondering when its going to rain. Few rain drops fell on me, made me shiver and wanting to hug the cutest guy
walkingby or to hug a nice warm blanket at home. I kinda started to miss my home a little bit. Eventhough its my vacation, I missed using my kitchen and doing stuff my own way and most importantly my privacy. Well its always nice to miss home as you can look forward to go back home. That makes it better.
It was getting colder and colder, so I decided to go to the public library, they had a book sale going. Found some nice poetry books one is a collection of poem for Mathew shepard. Cant wait to read the poetry. Something in ptwon rekindled my interst in poetry and made me feel more sensitive and sensible.
May be its in the air or its the people or its just me. Perhaps its the nicest and stress free vacations I ve had in a very long time. That would be it.
Went online and talked to friends and strangers for few hours before got bored and headed back home. I did some shopping to get some warm clothes on the way. Grabbed some pizza at the famous S**** pizza place and headed back to my room. Watchd Pyaasa the famous Guru Dutt movie rest of the afternoon and ate pizza.
Suprisingly the pizza was very good, no wonder people flog to this pizza joint.

Met Stewart later in the evening, did some shopping and also went to art galleries, they had open house as it was Friday night. Had our dinner and headed home around 11 to call it a day.

Very interesting day and I was wondering about the call all day, I should call my mom and discuss this sooner or later and get to the bottom of it. hope this is not a marriage proposal call or discussion in the making. Hope it doesnt.

Death came knocking

2007-01-26T11:08:00.001-08:00

Death came to my door
once again
Knocking on the door
Loud and clear
Like a twister funnel
touching the ground
sucked my soul
from my veins
grief and despair
filled the air
tears started rolling
down the cheeks
Peering thru my memories
Searching for the near and dear
Longing for their touch and sound
Longing for their breathing sound
My heart is heavy as a rock
My body is bloated like a block
Oh my god I pray to thee
Give me strength to face this gloom

Boston Pride 2006

2007-01-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

Boston pride is one of the events that I never failed to attend since I moved to Boston in 2003. Perhaps its the first event I ever attend in my whole life where I met with my fellow Queer South Asians and Asians eye to eye. Perhaps its the beginning of my second coming out, to be part of a group of people who share so much about me. We understood each other very well, we didnt explain each and everything we did. Its like an instant family. This year is no different. I always look forward for this day. Its always around my Birthday, so I always get a feeling that I did something different and enjoy my Birthday as well. As a low key person, I dint like to celebrate my birthday, but love to spend it with my friends and family. I am easily embarrassed when someone finds it out. May be its because we never celebrated Birthdays as elaborate as its done in this country. I am feel alive and thankful to add one more year to my age. I am very lucky to be alive given the circumstances and events in my life.

So this year, pride came on my birthday itself. How wonderful that can be? This year I didn't spend too much time working towards organizing the pride with other Asian queer organizations. May be its because I am not part of any of the official boards. May be its for my own good, why not enjoy the fruit of others hard-work.

As usual, MAP for health did a wonderful job in co-ordinating the Asian float along with QAPA and MASALA. Eugene Tan the ever jolly and easy going friend is the key. I am jealous of his easy to go attitude, its something I should learn from him. On the hindsight, he is right. Getting stressed out is not going to help anyone. Its better to stay focused and do the things the way it should be done. Staying focused is what we need when working with queer groups. Did I fail to mention opinions, attitudes and you never do things right of few in the community which really drags everyone down. I have seen that happening again and again, but again its part of life. Everyone has an agenda and we have to live with that. That's part of the charm of our collective I guess.

There were so many of the float building parties this year. I was unable to attend any of them. Finally I managed to attend the last one the day before pride.

When I arrived at our designated location near Copley on the pride day, the weather wasn't that good. It was raining all day and the forecast said its going to rain during the pride. While walking from the T station towards our designated location, I could see that the rain didn't dampen the pride spirits. I saw people in wonderful costumes, friends cheering for each other, hugging, handsome police officers standing on street corners and just scanning the crowd. Its a festive atmosphere at the best. Who said Pride is a corporate sellout? Isn't it an opportunity for us to be who we are in public and have fun? Shame with all the prejudices and reservations against the community. Its our collective responsibility to show our face to the community and let the Right wing know our presence. We do come in different colors, heights, genders and configurations. Accept us for who we are and keep your opinion to yourself, because we dint need it.

Finally after a short walk, I arrived at the destination. First person I ran into was my dear Suriya. Met with Shri, Jacob, Amit, Johnny, Eugene, Mimi, Diana, Partha, Tauheed, Maria and others.. All of them were involved in giving the float final touches. We started the generator and music was on. so is the pride. The rain was coming down heavily at that point. We huddled under Hotel Lonox's foot steps.

Banners cameout, beads, flags and many more. We started decorating ourselves as well. We posed for some pictures. We finally started waking in the pride parade. We followed the float. Some carrying banners braving the winds, some distributing safe sex packets MAP put together, some distributing beads. Some were greedy to keep the beads for themselves :), I dont blame them, it was adding color to the festivities.

At the beginning of the parade, I was covering my head with my jacket hood. At some point, I took it off. I let the rain drops drench myself. Everydrop of the rain, felt liberating, made me sensual, made me aware of the day, made me aware of the others walking by. I didnt feel like covering myself again, I wanted to be visible, I wanted poeple on the sidewalks to see me clearly, I want people to understand that Asians can be gay as well. We come in different sizes, shapes and colors. We may not look alike, or talk alike, but we are from the same region. Our roots are from that contient called Asia. Whether we like it or not, its true. Some call me South Asian here, but I am an Asian guy. Thats how I look at it. There is no looking back.

The rains, the winds didnt make our life easier during the parade, but sheer will power got us thru. All along the pride route, it was very joyful to see the cheering crowd. Most of them braved the rains and cheering us from the sidelines. Thats the moment of celebrating who we are. Thats the moment to celebrate our friends, family and the community. No we are not corporate sell-outs or freaks or showoffs. We are people, we elect to participate in an event to showcase our community. We participate in the way that makes sense to us. Its our day in the limelight, under the public eyes, we elect to be behave the way we wanted, there is no holding back. Its time for euphoria, fun and festivities. Its time to educate the community that Asians can be gay. We are part of the community, no-one can deny that fact. Down with the bigotry, racism and indifference from outside and inside of the gay community. We are all united based on our sexuality and dont let anything else further divide the community. Let all the sexists, agists, racists and classists get a reality check. We dont need them, we have enough friends and community who are not that narrow minded. We will surge ahead in making progress and hormony in the community.

I remember Ajith telling me how he felt that the spectators reminded him of the past and the present, I cannot deny that observation. I felt that it was my past, present and the future. Yes indeed, its my present and the future as well. All along the parade, I saw many familiar faces. Perhaps from the dating sites, from the community chat rooms, my friends, my community work connections, out reach workers etc etc. I did give hugs to a few of them whether they squirmed of getting wet or didnt mind getting wet. Why not.. they are my family here and no one is as closer than them in reality.

After a few hours of battling the elements we arrived at Boston commons. Wet, tired, cold and hungry. We decided to end the parade by having a late lunch at Penang the Malaysian restaurant in China town. We all walked another mile to stay warm and get a chance to get dry. The pride comes to an end.

Till the next parade, these memories will get us thru.

AIDS Walk Boston 2006

2007-01-26T11:06:00.000-08:00

The alarm clock went off at 7am on June 4th 2006. I was literally lying the bed waiting for the alarm to go off. I got out of the bed and went to my kitchen to make a cup of coffee. While preparing coffee I glanced outside to check the weather. The weather was not so good. It was cloudy, wet, drizzling and looked very cold. The made me think how bad the turnout at this years AIDS walk is going to be. I wondered whether how many cancellations will be there due to this nasty weather. This didn't stop me from motivating myself and get ready for the walk.

By 8 I was all ready and raring to go outside. Called a close friend and that friend wouldn't go because of the weather. Another sent me an SMS saying that he was sick. I think I didn't do a good job organizing this year AIDS walk. Things didn't fall in to place. I couldn't motivate enough people to register to walk. The fundraising was not that bad.

I left home for the Hatch Shell so that I can be there at 9am as I announced in the email. After a couple of mins drive to Cambridge Central Sq subway stop, I hopped into the red line train towards Charles MGH stop. Hatch Shell is just over the bridge from that station. The train brimmed with people who were going to the walk. Actually it gave me an oppurunity to chat-up a fellow passenger who was holding the AIDS walk collection envelop. I cant count on my right hand how many times I have talked to a complete stranger in the Subway, perhaps this is one of those rare moments in life.

Meanwhile, my mind was pre-occupied with Lyle, Joey, Jay, Robert and others.. Few of them have departed this world and I am fortunate to have few of them in my life. The thoughts how far along I have come in this journey to understand this disease, to educate myself and others. Its a bitter sweet memories of the past, present and the future. I have control over the present and I have no control of the future. But I do have the optimism to make a difference in someone's life.

After reaching the Hatch Shell, I didn't see anybody waiting for me, I went straight to the registration booths and did my registration. I ran into a fellow Team Leader Jonathan. It was a pleasant surprise. We chatted for a bit and I again went back to the waiting area for our team. Before I know, Partha and Adi joined me. In no time Mrinalini joined, shortly after that Tao Kai and Danny joined us and completed the team. I knew that there wont be anymore participants from the groups and we proceeded towards the start line.

The walk started off at 10am. It drizzled a little bit, bit cold but we surged ahead. For sometime we held hands, all six of us in a solidarity and felt like a family. At that moment, the six people who held hands were so important and bigger than the life itself. We are there for a reason, to represent a community which is marginalized for so many varied reasons, yet we were there to support the community and also create the awareness. I wish there were more to walk in that group. I was grateful for all the souls who donated and also who braved the weather and took a stand. In this years walk few marvelous souls walked with me, that mattered more than anything. I am so grateful for them and proud of them.

We walked pass so many groups, I love you "Barry" signs(I recall seeing the same sign last year), Williams family and many more. Families coming together, friends walking together, community groups, health organizations, school students, educational institutions are few of the examples. All ages, races, genders were represented in the group. Babies in carriages, wheel chairs, hearing impaired talking to others in sign language, people too sick to walk navigating the crowd in wheel chairs are common sights. The walk went thru Back bay, Brookline, Cambridge, Back Bay and ended in the Hatch Shell after 3 hours or so. The relief when the walk was over. I made it, one of my new years resolution was fulfilled.

HIV and AIDS touches everyone's life. It doesn't discriminate. Women, children, Men, mothers, sisters, brothers, fathers, sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, doctors, engineers, lawyers, chefs, pilots, politicians.. everyone is susceptible for this disease. What vaccine do we have in hand after 25 years of AIDS in America? Prevention. If we all can seek and educate ourselves, 2-3 people who are getting infected daily in MA wont become part of another statistics. None of the conservative driven policy changes of the government is going to help fight this disease effectively. Yet as individuals we have the power to educate ourselves and others. That's what this walk is all about. Its not about who get the funds we collected, but its about changing the community, create the awareness. An opportunity to ask ourselves, do we all have the necessary information about this disease? How do we support others who are affected by this? What can we do to stop the spread of this disease?

I am determined to walk again. I dream about collecting more funds next year, motivate more people to join me in the walk, to hold hands, an opportunity to create awareness, an opportunity to fight the spread of the disease, an opportunity to extend my hands to those affected by this diseases, an opportunity to heal those suffering souls, an opportunity to say I do care, an opportunity to make a difference in the community I live. We will prevail.

Till then, We have an year's time to plan and motivate ourselves and others. Please be part of that journey, because we can make a difference if we choose to and please make that choice. Its never too late.

Thank you all of you from the bottom of my heart for your contributions and my friends Partha, Adi, Tao Kai, Danny & Mrinalini for being part of this special day by spending those lovely moments.

My first easter celebrations

2007-01-26T11:05:00.002-08:00

Every year Easter, passover and other holidays comes and go. An occasional wishes in my email account or some wonderful cards. Some times I don't even notice that these days come and gone. This is one of cultural and religious thing that you wont get it when you live as a transplant. No matter how long you live in that situation, its still foreign to you. I hope one of these days I will live longer in this step-mother lather and will get used to it. Perhaps I may become one of the local Yankees. Wish me luck in that department.

This year it turned out to be a different one. Few months back I saw this ad on Craig's list looking for Volunteers for Little brothers organization. The ad asked for volunteer application for socializing with elders in Boston area. I thought it was a cool opportunity and fired and email. Promptly I got an email from the organization with an attachment. As usual the hotmail service delivered it to the bulk email and I forgot to move it and it was deleted in a day or two. Few weeks passed before I remembered. I wrote back to inquire whether they are still looking for Volunteers and the email came back quickly with the application form.

I filled in the form and faxed it over the next day. Part of the screening process, my background was screened. Everything went thru and I was invited for a orientation program at Little Brothers office in Jamaica Plain.

The orientation program was very informal, met Mindy Newman the Volunteer coordinator. She went over the mission of the organization and how they organization serve Elders 70 and above in the Boston area. Most of the elders live alone, limited income and they are lonely. This is what capitalism does to the society. The constant independent ME ME ME attitude leaves a lot of people alone. Does the society really care for the elders, yes it does. But we don't have any time for them. Visiting them once in 3 months or taking them out for dinner on a holiday is not enough. We need to make sure that we are part of their lives. Its very easy to say and done I guess. I came to know that Little Brothers organization does a food drive on Easter day. Volunteers distribute hot meals to elders and spend some time with them. I signed up for that program and looked forward for Apr 16th.

The day came with a bang. What a weekend. I spend the Sat filled with meditation class, wonderful cooking class and a party at a dear friends place. I was all ready, rested, energetic, scrubbed clean, dressed well and left for the Northeastern University cafeteria so that I can be there by 10am. The day was wonderful, sunny, warm, windy and the spring weather was great. I enjoyed the short ride from my home to North Eastern university. Spring colors were everywhere. Somehow the people got into that mood and they looked very cheerful on the streets. As usual, finding my way to the location and finding parking was bit of a challenge, but hey it wasn't bad after all. Once I found the right street, the cafeteria was easy to find by the colorful balloons and some cheerful volunteers were there answering our questions.

The cafeteria was brimming with lots of activities. People from every walk of life were there. Individuals, families, community groups, etc etc. I registered myself and underwent a quick orientation program. After the brief program I head to the section where I was supposed to choose the elders. I picked up Brighton for no reason and I was assigned two elders. Both of them women, both of them spoke English and Russian. I picked up the meals, flowers and some wonderful gift packet from Girl scouts and headed to Brighton.

I used to live in Brighton so finding my way to finding the elders was not that difficult. After a quick drive, I was there looking at the housing complex. I have driven thru that corner 100's of times and never realized that the building was a housing complex. Thought it was a condo complex. I was bit nervous wasn't sure how the situation will be. My first biggest fear was not able to get their trust and not able to give them the meal I bought. The second fear was not been able to converse with them. Let us face it, English is not my native tongue either and that was giving me some hardtimes. Well, nothing to loose, just with the hot meals in tow I arrived at the location. I was lucky that both the Women lived in the same building.

I had a wonderful time visiting the two women. They were very happy to receive me and enjoyed my company very much. In spite of some the barriers like language, cultural etc we connected at the human level. Once we did that, we perfectly understood each other. All my doubts went away. Well I am waiting to learn Russian in couple of months from one of the ladies and the other one wanted me to get married to a nice girl and have min of 2 kids.

(Leaving most of the details out for privacy reasons).

At the end of the day, it left me wondering about the next holiday.

Is that you?

2007-01-26T11:05:00.001-08:00

Is that you?
I wonder
Everytime I see a face
In the crowd
On the streets
In a bus
In a train
On a plane
The sweetest face
With a sweetest smile
Those quivering lips
Makes me yearn
For the endless kiss
The smiling eyes
Piercing into my soul
The sweetest face
I have seen
Only in my dreams

I close my eyes
When people speak
To find your voice
Among the crowd
I close my eyes
To hear to breathe
I close my eyes
To fell your soul

I wakeup everyday
with a cheerful heart
Full of love
Full of life
I can still
feel your touch
feel your breath
I can still
Hear you laugh
Hear you whisper
In my ears
I can still
Hear your heart beat
As if I am lying on your chest
When I try to remember
Your sweetest face
It vanishes
among the clouds
Like night
When its day
Like day
when its night
It vanishes
In a crowd
Like a perfect stranger
As you are

When I close my eyes
You are there
Waiting for me
with an open arms
with the sweetest smile
On the cheerful face
To warm my heart
To warm my soul

Yet I cant remember
Your sweetest face
It vanishes
among the clouds
Like a perfect stranger
As you are

Is that you?
I wonder
Everytime I see a face
In the crowd
On the streets
In a bus
In a train
On a plane
The sweetest face
With a sweetest smile
Those quivering lips
Makes me yearn
For the endless kiss
The smiling eyes
Piercing into my soul
The sweetest face
I have seen
Only in my dreams

April 6th 1999 is my Birthday

2007-01-26T11:04:00.002-08:00

April 6th 1999

April 6th 1999, is it a liberation day or a curse day or is it a dream or a nightmare or my Birthday? I really don't know, all I can say that I cant take a pick of any of the options above. Years of struggle, years of heart ache, years of waiting, years of shear pain, years of sleepless nights. It was very hard to be in that position for all those years. Heart breaks, lonely nights, constant hiding, constant urges, paranoia.. its kinda scary feeling to go thru and you are always on your guard. You are paranoid to such an extent that you suspect people that they know about you. A friendly touch can be misunderstood or evoke a different response from you.

It all started in the second week of March 99. I called Berkshire Stonewall coalition's help line. I was so nervous that day, I made up some phony excuse at work and headed for home early. The top floor apt which I shared with my room-mate was very calm and quiet that day. My heart was pounding like its going to burst any time or I am going to get a heart attack or something like that, my legs grew week, my hands were shaking, I was drenched with sweat. If someone had seen me in that situation, they would have called 911. Those days I
smoked. I remember smoking few cigarettes in a few mins to calm me down. The nicotine rush indeed helped me to calm my nerves a bit. I did make that fateful call. I was surprised to hear the booming manly voice of Dick Lopez. It was very soothing and reassuring that you can trust him and talk to him about anything without worrying about being judged or being ridiculed. He asked me how he can help me. The years of waiting did come to an end at that moment. That very moment was the biggest of my life time. Was it a rebirth? Yes it was. I vaguely remember mumbling something and boy was I nervous? Yes I was... I remember talking too fast and those days I had a very thick Indian accent. Dick stopped me when he didn't follow me and politely asked me to repeat something he didn't understand. We talked for more than an hour. It was talking like a floodgate just opened and thoughts, questions, worries everything poured from every pore of my body. I never felt that I could trust someone so much at that moment. I didn't have any inhibitions whatsoever and I poured my heart out. Dick is a good listener and he did a fabulous job of listening to me. I am sure I wasn't the first person to call the number and ask for help but I bet he was surprised to hear a Indian voice on the other side. In Berkshires I don't think there were many Indians and let alone a queer one. I felt very light after talking to him. He reassured me again and again and its ok to talk to him about anything. He wasn't rushing at all, he was very patient and made me feel like he was my best friend all my life. At the end, he gave me two options, one to attend a coming out meeting on Apr 6th 1999 and to attend a potluck on Apr 7th. Little did know that time both these days are life altering days and I will be meeting some wonderful people on those days.

I thanked him god knows for how long or how many times, but I was very happy and elated. I hanged up on him and went to the living room window and stared at the blue sky for a long time. I opened the window and let the cold air rush into my apartment. I felt so fresh and so relieved as if like a big burden unloaded from my heart. I felt light, rejuvenated, relieved, happy, cheerful and peaceful. After sometime, I went down and got into my car and drove north on Rt 7. Its one of the beautiful and scenic routes in Berkshires and it takes you to Bennington county in Vermont. I don't recall how far I went, but I do remember stopping by a gas station in Vermont and filling up the gas and getting some cigarettes. All along I was plotting my next move and looking forward for the coming out group next month. Even though it was few weeks away, I was very anxious to get it over with. Came back home and cooked a fabulous Indian meal. My room-mate was asking me why I am so happy and quizzing me for more info. I wasn't giving out any details, any ways.

The weeks passed by very fast. Finally the day arrived. The coming out group was at a women center on First Street in pittsfield. I think I went thru the panic attack phase again that afternoon at work. I excused myself from work early and went straight home to just calm my nerves down and not being seen by any. I was so nervous and wasn't in a mood to answer 100's of questions from my colleagues. Especially the Indian ones, we Indians definitely don't have any boundaries when it comes to our personal space. I was expecting to see a group of people in the coming out group, perhaps some around my age group? I could easily relate to?. I was bit late to the meeting, I guess I judged the traffic wrong that day. I was late by 5 mins to the meeting. When I entered the room, there were 4 people already in the room. That included two facilitators Mike Connor and Emily. Two other gentlemen were participating in the program. One was in early 60s and the other one late 40s or early 50s. I did find myself awkward there. I did feel fish out of water for sometime and I was the youngest person in the room in my early 20s. It was hard not to relate to anyone in the room, but I was there for a purpose and I let that instinct drive the rest of my stay with the group.

The coming-out group was very structured and it was very well facilities by both Mike and Emily. First time ever I had to reveal myself to real people, in realtime. A plot for a reality show? It was a weird feeling. I didn't feel comfortable looking making eye contact with any of the participants, so I deviced this idea of looking at a window and talking when my chance came. It helped me not to get nervous. Few hours of talking and listening did help me to feel more relaxed and feel more part of a community, feel real. At that moment, it made sense for most of the things I ve gone thru, the things I thought over the years, the fears, the panic, the paranoia, the self loathing, etc etc.. It made sense, I am not alone, I have an identity, I not a weirdo. I am not burning in eternal sin. Its a new beginning, new chapter in my life. No look backs and no regrets. I was born again as a new person. One thing really stood-out was that almost everyone never had talked to a Indian before. So its a unique experience for all of us.

Mike Connor turned out to be a good friend. I met Dick, his partner Joe, Bernie, Joey, Dale and host of others the next day at the potluck. Met Dick for real the next day at the potluck and thanked him as sincerely as I could and because of him, I think I got the confidence to take the next step and be who I am. Not everyone in the community were friendly, warm and approachable, but there were few gems and they are still part of my life, except Bernie who passed away in 2003. Bernie and Joey played a huge role in the following months and few years. They took me under their wings (I called Bernie Mother) and showed me the ropes. It really helped me to feel grounded and feel safe. This experience gave the much needed structure in my life at that moment. Needless to say, thru Bernie, I met my first BF and partner Dan.

Coming out is a process and it started the day I called Dick in the fateful March day, but officially Apr 6th was the day when I talked to someone for real, face to face and yelled at the top of my voice, that I am gay. I felt happy about it and didn't feel scared or ashamed. New beginnings and a new life and its so far so good... Life goes on..

Rainbow gateway to heaven!

2007-01-26T11:04:00.001-08:00

I see the rainbow
The Gateway to heaven
Its as beautiful as it was
As the day you walked away
The day is so beautiful
The sun is still shining
The gentle breeze caressing
The songs of the birds
The laughter of the children
The smell of spring flowers
As the day you walked away
It feels the same

I stand by the river
That runs in our backyard
Flowing like nothing happened
Flowing like nothing changed
Tries to wash away all the memories
Tries to wash away all the pains
Like it has done
since it was born

On that sunny spring day
I saw you walking
Into the rainbow
And disappear among the rainbow
No good byes
No smiles
No tears
No hugs
No lookbacks
You walked in haste
To feel the heaven
You walked in haste
To leave all the pain
I saw you disappear
Among that wonderful rainbow
No more shadows
No more reflections
Just few memories

I let you go
I let you walk
I let you run
I let you fly
I set you free
I thought its heaven
You thought its heaven
On the other side
Far away from where we were
Just beyond the rainbow

The words I said
The words you said
The words we spoke
The words we didn't speak
The world we lived
The world we breathed
You said it was hell
You want to go back to your shell

I let you go
I let you walk
I let you run
I let you fly
I set you free
You walked into the rainbow
No good byes
No smiles
No tears
No hugs
No lookbacks
No shadows
No reflections
Just old memories

My little angel!

2007-01-26T11:03:00.003-08:00

My Little angel
Sweetest smile
Sweetest voice
Sweetest touch
Sweetest Soul
She warms my heart
She warms my soul

My little angel
Came flying
From the sky
As a little diamond
Emerged among
The peaceful clouds

A boon from god
This sweetest soul
Is an answer
For an endless wait
To touch my soul
To heal my soul
Is an answer
For my restless soul

She can talk
A thousand words
She can smile
A thousand smiles
She can sing
A thousand songs
She can ask
A thousand questions

The tender soul
Full of hope
The tender soul
Full of joy

My little angel
My precious angel
Gives me hope
Gives me joy
Gives me peace
Gives me strength

A new day!

2007-01-26T11:03:00.001-08:00

A new day

A new morning
My senses are alive
Yet eyes refuses to open
A new day
New possibilities
New beginnings
few endings
Lots of drama
what else is new
Another cold winter day
But the sun is shining
Can see it thru the crack of my eyes
The blinds are still open
I can hear the clock click
The usual endless click
Like your heart
The distant humming of the heater
The breezy warm air caressing my body
The Comfort of the warm sheets
As if they are born to cover my body
Somewhere in my pad
Coffee brewing
Makes my mouth water
for that fresh hot brew
Of wonderful fluid
Nothing in this world
At this moment
For few moments
Bigger than a cup of Joe

A new day
New possibilities
New beginnings
few endings
I am ready for the drama
Will watch it from outside
amuse myself
Life is a drama
Have to enjoy the drama

Search will begin
The endless search
For nothing in particular
Lost souls perhaps
Lost thoughts perhaps
Lost lovers perhaps
Or just a pretence
Life is a drama
Its the morning
My senses fully alive
A new day
New possibilities
New beginnings..

Who are you?

2007-01-26T11:02:00.001-08:00

They say
I am half of you
They say
I look like you
They say
I talk like you
They say
I walk like you
They say
I do things like you
They say
A thousand things
That
I remind you forever

Yet, Who were you?
A warm loving father?
A sperm donor?
A soul lost is his own world?
A demon trapped in human form?
A hurting ball of fire?

I don't remember
Your loving touch
But I do remember
Those slaps
Those beatings
I don't remember
Those loving words
I do remember
Those hurtful words

Yet...
They say
I am half of you
They say
I look like you
They say
I do things like you

I try to remember
Your face
Its so fuzzy
Like a distant star

I try to remember
Your loving touch
Only pain shoots thru my spine
I try to remember
Your soulful voice
Only I hear noise in my brain

Wish I can turn back time
Walk back with you
hand in hand
Change things all those thing
from our past
When I try to remember
Your loving face
I want to see a smiling face
When I try to remember
Your soulful voice
I want to hear a beautiful song
When I try to remember
Your loving touch
I want to feel warm and safe

Wherever you are
In your own world
Lost in your own world
Just think of me
As I think of you
In the next birth
If there is a next birth
You and me
Just You and me
Like a true father
Like a true son
Will live in harmony

MLK day celebrations in Boston

2007-01-26T11:01:00.002-08:00

Thanx to my dear friend Suriya for letting me know of the MLK day celebrations in Boston. I called in and got 4 free tickets, but had very difficult time in convincing anyone to go. Unfortunately everyone had something going on that day, or wasn't interested or some other valid reason.

But I honestly felt that they missed one of the finer moment in their life. I did convince Sanjib Da to go with me. The weather was very cold that day. I braved the howling wiids and the near freezing temperatures. I met Sanjib Da at the Wang center around 6:30 pm and gave back 2 extra tickets with me.

The theater was packed. Never ever in my life I have seen or been amongst so many well dressed my fellow African American friends. The outfits came in different colors, beautiful hats, the traditional head gears in bright colors, Men at their best, escorting their wives, sisters, mothers, girl friends, aunts.. they were everywhere. Everyone was very joyful, smiling, laughing, hugging each other and everyone seemed to be very peaceful.

I walked in along with Sanjib Da and were greeted by so many smiling faces and I have to admit that I did notice some surprised looks from some. We managed to find two seats in the crowded theater and settled comfortably. Something was magical about that moment in time, the ambiance was great, I felt so comfortable, warm, loved, secure, like I was in my Ammas (Mother) arms. Did I pick up the good vibes of a wonderful group of people? Yes I did. Was it spiritual, yes it was. My feeling was so elated, don't know why. There is something in me just opened up, let my guards down, my pretence is gone, my uptightness is gone, I was more confident than the day before. This feeling is something magical and I didn't feel this way in a very long time. I try to cherish every moment and try to take it all in. May be I was trying to grasp all the things going aorund and imprint deep in my memory, to recall it in the days to comes.

The program started with a wonderful Hymn sung by a New creation Church group, that followed by a brief talk by Mayor Menino and some community leaders.

The R&B music performers/groups Metro and Phaedra rocked the first session. After the break, Recording Jazz artist Andre Ward rocked the hall with a mind rendering performance of his own. I don't recall enjoying any Jazz performance before that way, he was playing amongst the audience at the end. He grew up in Boston and now he is one of the upcoming and accomplished Jazz performer. He touched the soul, he made us sing with him briefly. That was great.

Patti Austin another well known R&B artist (Remember Baby, come to me..) rocked the rest of the evening with R&B, Jazz and Gospel. We sang with her, laughed, almost cried, amazed by the stories, entertained and it was moving. Did u know that when Gospel singers sing about going back to heaven, means going back to their homeland.

The evening ended by a wonderful Gospel song sung by Ms. Patti Austin and the New Creation group.

All along, amongst various speeches about MLK, his achievements, the slavery, the struggle for equality, the violence in the community, the poverty, it was ironic to me how far away we are from reaching the goal. The visions of our leaders which has carried us all in to this century and how todays leaders are determined to drag us back in time. The social progress we made in all these years are being destroyed before our own eyes. Where are we going to stop?

Amongst all of these questions I had, I stood among my fellow brothers and sisters. When they prayed, I prayed with them. When they laughed, I laughed with them. Tears were flowing from within, they are not from sadness, they are tears of joy. I held hands with my fellow spectators during varios prayer sessions and I was connected instantly to the such a powerful source of energy. Hundreds of years flashed in my mind. The warmth, the spiritual energy was at the highest level. The comfort that a man back in India wearing his loin cloth, inspired MLK along with others to start the Civil rights movement I will take it to the grave. I felt and feel so proud of of my heritage. I was among them at that moment, the political, economical, racial, language borders disappeared. I was there a human being, a fellow soul and we are all the same.

We are human beings and we are all one. We have to keep reminding us again and again. The Color of the skin, The Language, Race, Gender, sexuality.. and many more can be used to discriminate against our fellow human beings, but we do have hope and with sheer determination and vision of the community we can move forward and make progress even in this turmoil.

Thank you Suriya again, I will give you my warm hugs when I see you next. Next year, I want all of you to go with me and stand besides me and feel this for real.

Who am I

2007-01-26T11:01:00.001-08:00

Who am I?
Where did I come from?
Some say my moms womb
Some say I am a soul
from a distant land
Residing in this earthly body
Who am I?
Some call me by my name
Some call me by my nickname
I hear their callings
I turn my head without failing
Does this all defines me?
Who am I for real?
The bones?
or The perfectly tanned brown skin
or The flesh
or The gym toned body
or The stubourn fat in my belly
or The strong legs
or The booming voice I am blessed with
or The joyful laughter I am blessed with
or Is The soul within?
The invisible souce of my existance
Thats the energy with a definite boundary
The unseen energy that drives me crazy
The unseen energy keeps me alive
The unseen energy keeps me warm
The unseen energy keeps me standing
Who am I?
Do I have a name?
Do I have a nick name?
Do I have an Indentity?
What was I called before?
Where was I residing before?
Mysteriously appearing in my moms womb!
What was I called before?
What is my real name?
Do I even have a name?
Am I just a blob of energy?
So divine and beautiful
So peaceful and Loving
But wait..
Where did this hate and bigotry came from?
Where did this pretence and ego came from?
Where did this attachment and anger came from?
Where did this annoying lust came from?
No one knows?
I dont know either..
Is this me?
Or am I different?
No one knows..
If you know
Be so kind and gentle
To Let me know..
To quench my thrist of knowledge
That rocks my core existance

SINGLE GAY MEN WHO ARE OVER IT! » Call it attitude or insecurity or Moronic or Normal

2007-01-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

I moved to Boston in 2003. Living in a big city was always my dream, but again I had too many hopes for Boston. The dating scene in Boston is kinda lame. Same 10 guys in different dating sites, different "I am soooo good.. I am looking for Mr. Right", what they forgot is "I am soooo good and horny and I am looking for Mr. Right now". Just couple of words here and there, that makes the whole lot of difference.. doesn't it? Some of them should realize the meaning of what slim/slender/athletic means... Especially humping in bed doesn't make you athletic and melt all those extra pounds from Cheese cake away.

Where was I? Oh yes, seem them in gay scene (few bars and clubs, too few, small for a big city life), they are all well dressed, groomed and look very friends. I warn you, don't say hello, they may look at you as if you are from a different planet. (May be they think I am from a different planet, it's a different story.. I am not going there for now). And you are there with a friend or two and pretending to be having a very deep intellectual conversation, you will sense that someone is staring at you. You turn to that direction and if you are quick enough you may catch the head of the cat turning back... Even if you make an eye contact, they will be so quick to look else where and make you feel you are a piece of ****..

The most intriguing conversation anyone may have with a stranger in the settings is "Excuse me.. " if they are considerate enough after spilling drink or squeezing between you and your friend to move to another area.

You see the same guys in person in pubic right.. most of them must have aged overnight by 5 - 10 years. What is wrong? and all the freaking attitude they have... I am so privileged and I am so beautiful? who cares.... ignore them..

Suddenly some old guy will be standing besides you.. accidentally their body will brush against your and/or they may even be kind enough to hold a conversation with you. The same deep intellectual conversation.. it goes like this

1. Stranger: Where are you from?
Me: Er.. Boston...
Stranger: Where are you really from?
Me: ..................

2. Stranger: Are you a student?

3. Stranger: Are you a Professional?

4. Stranger: Are you single?

5. Stranger: I once knew a Indian guy. He used to be a cashier at the corner store....

6. Stranger: Can I have your number please? Meet for coffee..
Me: Er.. I am sorry.. I don't drink coffee.. I quit 5 mins ago and I am so broke.. don't have a phone..

Well, you go home wondering what the hell is wrong with you people( including yourself).. and browse the Internet for few more hours.. (He he.. ). As usual emails from Dimitry the 25 old lover from Russia looking for overseas love.. or some guy from some part of the world looking for a husband.. (Where is my sugar daddy.. get me my private jet)..

And go to the usual hookup sites.. there they are.. all of them.. Much younger, with pretty pictures and pretty angles and pretty profiles.. Your Doctors, tax man, physical trainers, friends, councilors, professors, bartenders, dancers... there they are.. they all proclaim that they are the studs and world best lovers next to Romeo and they are all looking Mr. Right now.. What do you do.. do the obvious and the search goes on..

Back to the corner and it goes again..

Marriage is not a solution!

2007-01-26T10:58:00.000-08:00

Please stop
Please stop
Think twice before you decide
Think thrice before you decide
Dont spoil someones life
Dont spoil your own life

Its your life isnt it?
Its your own life isnt it?
Its someoneelses life isnt it?
Its someoneelses life isnt it?

Its a crime
Its a heinous crime
Its a hateful crime
Its a horrible senseless crime

Do you want to be part of it
Or do you want to part withit
Its your choice
You can make it as your choice

Marriages are made in heaven
Thats a very good excuse
Do you believe in heaven
Dont make that as an excuse

Why do you blame your family
Why do you blame your parents
Why do you blame your society
Why do you blame yourself

Please Stop
Please Stop
Someone's life is in peril
You can stop that nasty peril
Only you can stop
Only you can stop!

I am who I am
You are who you are
Stop pretending
Who you are not
Start pretending
who you are

Does someones life comes so cheap?
None of our lifes comes so cheap!
Marriage is not a solution
Its never a good solution

Please stop
Please stop

Inner struggle

2007-01-26T10:57:00.000-08:00

Whats your name
Tim, Tom, Trent?
Hey Tim
Do you mind leaving soon
I have to go to work
No I dont need your no
No I dont need your address
No I dont see you no more
Hey Tom, Can you clean the mess
The day is bright
I may go for a walk
No you cant join me in the walk
I have to go
The day is so bright
I need some coffee
No Trent, You cant join me for coffee
I have to clense myself
I have to get some sense
I have an hangover
need some pills
No I dont need your pills
Whats your name again?
Its Tim isnt it?
No I am sorry, Its Tom
Thats what you told me last night
Its Trent?
Oh You are trevor
and you thought I am Mixed?
Nope I am Indian from India
Nope I am cut
and I am Indian from India
Do you mind leaving soon?
I have to clense myself
I have to get some sense
I have an hangover
need some pills
You have to leave now
I need some coffee
I need a walk
I need to cry
I am not depressed
I am not angry
I am so confused
My heart is so empty
My mind is so blank
Can you please leave now
I dont want to see you again
I dont want your phone number
I dont want to see you anymore
Please can you leave now
I need to clense myself
I need to clense my soul
The day is bright
I have to go for a walk
Good bye Abe

Breakup

2007-01-26T10:56:00.000-08:00

I hear rain drops falling
the distant chirp of a lonely bird
The crackling noise of my heater
Its all calm and quiet

I stare at the empty ceiling
So blank, so white
Not even dust layers
Not even cob webs
So blank and so plain
Like my mind and my life

The room is empty
None to talk to
I feel the cold
I feel the empty bed
I feel the empty house
I feel my empty heart

I simply wonder
what are you doing now
Feeling the same emptiness?
Feeling the same loneliness?
Or Feeling the warmth of a new lover?
Or sleeping like a child
Not aware of my pains?

Where is the love?
Where is the affection?
We once promised
We once proclaimed
We will live together forever!
We will love forever!
We will grow old together!
We will do thing together!
We will be one soul!

Are these words were written on water?
All dissapeard in no time
There are no trace of these words
There are no trace of anything
Except the pain and suffering
It surfaces now and then
I try to wash it very clean
Not sure how to make it real clean

Were you a mere dream?
Were you a mirage?
A good one turn bad?
A sweet drink turn sour?

You left me in a haste
Yet there is no trace

My heart is in dispair
My soul is in pain
Days have gone by
Months have gone by
few years have gone by
My heart is still bleeding
and my soul is still weeping

Few Men came to quench
Their bodily thrist
Left me even empty
Left me even hollow
I hated their touches
I hated their kisses
I hated them being there
Yet I did not stop
I always wonder why?

Is there a meaning for life?
Is there a meaning for love?
Are they mere words?
We believe some oneday
Forget the other day?
Is life is so simple?
or do we take for simple?

I look outside the window
Its dark cloudy
Rain drops are falling
Hope the sky is not falling
Hope this day will be the one
Hope my heart wont bleed
Hope my soul wont weep
Hope my heart will heal
Hope my soul wont weep

Death of a goatee

2007-01-26T10:55:00.000-08:00

It’s a cold and lazy winter morning. Varas is sleeping peacefully, his arms resting on his chest and heater in the room working fulltime to keep the room warm. The Tremont street traffic was getting busier as the time grew. As if the fate of the world, the horrible sounding alert went off. Varas, rolled over and pressed the snooze button and try to go back to sleep. Well, as this is a ritual every morning, the alternate backup CD player in the living room went alive and started belting out "Chaiya Chaiya" loud enough for the neighbors to call the police. Did he or did he not had an option now? Its anyones guess. Varas lazily got out of the bed.
He rubbed his eyes to get a clear picture. Clothes strewn around like a perfect college dorm. Previous days shopping spree showed up on the drawer chest top, piled up neatly in the original plastic covers. Varas, adjusted his jockeys, He could feel the little bulge around this waist. He would know better of what to do to keep in control.
He is always very conscious about himself, Bit neurotic and self conscious all the time. Varas walked to the living room, switched of the CD player, suddenly the apt was filled with peace. He walked into the kitchen. The coffeemaker was steaming and the kitchen was filled with wonderful Yuban Columbian coffee. He poured some into one of the mugs sitting on the counter with 2 Equals sitting next to it. Fixed him a large cup of coffee and moved to the living room.
He couldn’t help but listen to some faint Bengali Rabindra Sangeet floating thru the living room wall. Mrs. Banerjee is busy cooking breakfast and lunch for the family. As always. She lives next-door and her family is from Calcutta (Kolkatta). Varas, never told them that he knew Bengali (A language spoken in Calcutta), they always thought he is a Madarasi guy (A guy from Madras/Chennai/South Indian) who only spoke Tamil and English. That's lot of fun to spy on them sometimes. No that Varas is very nosy, but it amuses him sometimes. He had some very good laughs overhearing their conversations, arguments. Hey its part of life and benefits of loud neighbors.
Poor Mrs. Banerjee, I haven’t seen her at all. Since they moved in, I always said hello to Mr. Banerjee in the morning when I go to work and when he is running to catch Bus 57 to Kenmore. He seems to be a very moody and a very private person. Mrs. Banerjee on the other hand comes out as a very Jovial, energetic person. She is always active, talking, cooking, singing, you name it. She lives in her small world, which are Mr. Banerjee and their son. She is very good it setting the fire alarm regularly. It catches Varas by surprise all the time.
It’s a day off and he had so much to do that day. His new condo was getting some makeover and some shopping needs to be done as well. It’s going to be a busy day. He sits on the couch and turns on the TV and listened to local weather while sipping the coffee. His is mind is not in the news, it was constantly thinking about all the activities planned for the day. A trip to Home Depot, in House Furnishing and a date late in the night. Thinking about Paul, bought a naughty smile in Varas face. Paulie was over the previous day and they watched a nice Indian movie. As a relief from all the days hard work and stress he was looking forward for the date that evening and some cozy private times.
He realized that his goatee was dry and itchy. It’s a pain for him to take care of the goatee. It’s a pain to keep it trip and in shape. Too much work everyday morning, but so far so good. His friends Joseph, Mouriya, Kaioat, Masha all loved it. Importantly paul loved it. Varas finished the coffee and was ready to get a good shower. He walked in to the bath room; he couldn’t help but notice that the exhaust fan was humming a bit louder. Its time to call the maintenance to fix that. It’s always something he forgot to do at the end of the day. Its one of them.
Varas looked in the mirror. He could see the thick 5'0 clock shadow. He wet his face with rose water. His grand mom always said rose water makes skin more supple and smooth. He took the trimmer and started shaping up the goatee. Everything seems to be going alright. At that moment, at that very moment, good heavens, the fire alarm went off. Not again, Mrs. Banerjee. At that very moment, a small slip, cut thru the wonderful goatee. It looked like Red Sox with no Nomad, MASALA chain with no MASALA. Suddenly the whole world went dark. Varas's head started spinning. It almost felt as if like someone stabbed in his back with a dagger. He couldn’t comprehend what had happened to him. The great misfortune and the great mistake, his life wouldn’t be the same. There was some wetness in his eyes, which showed how much it affected him. With a heavy heart and a darkness clouding in his mind, he took the trimmer and started shaving off the goatee.
This will always be known as the great Death of a goatee in the modern world. The modern history is changed for ever. With a heavy heart and dissapointment, Varas finished his shaving and wondered how Paulie would react that evening. What do you think?

Peceful me.. Guess what I was looking at?

2007-01-26T10:41:00.000-08:00

Endless search

2007-01-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

Where to start and
Where to end
Life long story
Jolly good story

Life is pretty good
As I am real good
Always in a great mood
Always love great food

My friends are plenty
and I am so friendly
I Treat them so gently
I love them all immensly
I am so very single and
love to mingle
May love being single
But ready to mingle
What is it missing?
While the winter wind hissing!
Like a final piece of a puzzle
Without that life may be a hazzle

It dawned on me one fineday
on a cloudy, chilly sunday
A lover is the missing piece
to live my simple life in peace
To solve this problem forever
I am in search of a cute Lover
Like a wondeful spring flower
With mind so very clever

With a huge heart made of gold
and lead a life so so bold
With one glowing peaceful soul
to quench the thirst of my very soul
- Sarav